ONE HAPPY FAMILY

Chinese New Year has always been the best year of my life since I was a little boy. I have only good memories of the festivity, feasting, and fireworks! But the most memorable memory of it all is the family togetherness. And more than three decades later, with children all grown up and grandchildren coming along, the gathering of family members for a reunion dinner on the eve of Chinese New Year still evoke the same memory of family togetherness. Oh...what a heritage!

The Lim Family have extended, no doubt, but also registered a sad lost (a sister-in-law, my wife, Ean Beng). I know that everyone in the family still remembers her and for that I am honored. But it's Chinese New Year, so it's happy time together. The happy family still goes on, just like when we lost our parents we feel the lost but we are glad we still have a family. We keep the memories of them close to our hearts and we go on living life the way it should, the way the Lord wants us to.  

BEHIND EVERY CLOUD THERE IS SUNSHINE

I know that many people are feeling either sad, frustrated, angry, confused and flabbergasted with the latest news in our country (the infamous news of the century) BUT all these feelings also stirred something in us to want to fight back, to raise our fist, to vote against, to march forward and to make statements. Let us, as believers, pause for a moment and bow our heads and pray for mercy, for grace, for justice to prevail in the end - not retaliation, not violence, not condemnatory remarks and insults. The man who received the wrongful judgment had make his speech and state his stand and if we agree with him then let us pray for him.

I always believe that behind every cloud there is a sunshine, and after every rain there is a rainbow. What seems to be another black day for the nation will turn out to be the brightest day for the nation and for our children!

I agree with many thousands of fellow Malaysian who have echoed that they have lost faith in the judicial system of our nation BUT I have not given up on the hope of the nation (her people, her ordinary people) for a better Malaysia - the day will come. JUST LET GOD BE GOD OF OUR NATION!

The worse that could happen to Christians is not the persecution, the prosecution, and the injustices even though they are crucial BUT the apathy we adopt towards what is happening, the cynical jibe we express in our conversations, and the withdrawal into our shell like that old hymn we used to sing "Hold the Fort for I am coming..."

We need to stop kidding ourselves and rise up and listen to what Modecai told Esther in the midst of a crisis (the threat to the extermination of the Jewish race by Haman) - Perhaps you were born for such a time as this! What did Esther finally said: If I perish, I perish! She was determined to do the right thing - the only thing that is right - full of possibilities and impossibilities.

When we are apathetic, cynical and withdrawn into our own world we stop caring and become self-centered - gazing at your own navel! Believers, believe me, no matter what attitude we take or what position we stand won't shield us from the brickbats of injustices, hatred and unkind racial and religious slur thrown our ways. We need to rise up for our children, for our future generation, if not, the easiest way out is to migrate. But where in the world can you run away from the foul and stench of the workings of the evil one - the very cesspool of sin, fear and hatred?

LESSONS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

A Short Car Trip with Friends

I had a wonderful two-day trip to KL and Cameron Highlands with friends. We went to a Christian bookstore and spend a few hours there, meet an old friend for dinner, and stayed in the Mission House for the night. The next day we traveled to Cameron Highland for a night doing nothing but just to chill. What a trip!

The first day was fun – Ah Beng and I ended up on a buying spree. The dinner was not too bad and meeting with my friend in KL was refreshing. At the Mission House we met a Brazilian family who speaks excellent English so we all ended up fellowship for over three hours – into the wee hours of the morning. We did talk about many things but the central topic was none other than food – especially the food in Penang. Penang folks are forever prideful of their food island paradise (maybe it is over rated now!).

The following day we left for Cameron Highland. The most memorable thing that we did was drinking tea. I think I have never drank so much tea in my life in one day. But I must admit it was really good. The fellowship that we had was wonderful but also dynamic and volatile at times. Suffice to say that (sounding like Chong Leang) in the midst of such fellowship I had come to learn many wonderful lessons about myself and what I am capable of. Some of the discovery of myself came through the eyes of both my friends who were with me and their willingness (or unwillingness) to say it in my face! I appreciate it very much.

So what was it?

Well, I learned that I am not as friendly as I thought I am all this while. I can be snobbish, insensitive, and unintentionally ignore people whom I considers as friends. Wow – that hurts but I can’t deny the fact that I did frequently space-out and enter into a “fantasy-world” of my own. I discovered that I do interrupt a lot (whether intentionally or unintentionally) in any given conversation making the whole exercise dynamic but volatile! I do look unfriendly at times and somehow my anger and displeasure shows in my face. Again this hurts because I thought I was the most understanding guy around, the most friendly and approachable pastor on the face of the earth. How wrong I was! Ha-ha.

Well, the trip had taught me not to take friendship for granted and not to take relationship lightly but to be other-centered or rather to be Jesus-centered. But all well that ends well – we did have a great time – visiting hot water spring, watching Raja Brooke butterfly, drinking tea, climbing little hills, buying potted plants, vegetables, strawberries and Cameron Valley Tea. And not to mentioned listening to Ah Beng playing piano with such gusto and vibrancy at the hotel lounge!

Authentic Friendship

I was sharing with the Young Adults in FGA-Taiping about authentic relationships; what does it mean to us to love God with everything within us and to love one another? It is easy to say to someone, hi friend, but what does friendship entails, what is its expectation, and what qualify us to truly be a friend to another?

We do not engage people for what we could get out of them, but for what we could give them of God’s life. Because we are not focused on ourselves, we are able to touch people with the deepest treasures of God’s love. And that made all the difference. True friendship or authentic relationship is NOT loving others as long as they benefit us; based on our needs, we can be warm one moment and cold the next – “mutual accommodation of self-need.” I saw a lot of selfish relationships on display in countless situations in my long years as a pastor. Most recently I saw it being displayed once again.

The irony is that we can call each other friend, brother or sister-in-Christ, buddy and other terms akin to relationship but yet we are prejudice in our friendship by categorizing our “friends” into various degree of importance, of closeness, and what not. They are either our friends or not, and if they are not then they are just acquaintances or people that we happen to work together or go to the same church with. I can’t for the life of me understand how we can even have preferences in our friendship – that’s hypocrisy and selfishness. I dislike (have unsettling feelings) when I see people choosing who to fellowship with, to go out with, and to hang out with. Maybe, I have felt left-out once too often by people who calls me their friends, especially, when I found out that I was not on A List. I wish I was not in any list at all and not considered as a friend either. Have you ever felt puzzled that sometimes some invitations come to you late and your suspicion is that they have exhausted the A List and in order to fill up the empty slot you are then invited? Honest to goodness, if I even smell such hypocrisy I would politely decline!

Bottom-line: If we even consider someone as a friend then treat them as one – like Jesus who are always focused on others. That’s authentic friendship – not what we can get out of them or those who can make us feel good and important!

A Personal Confession

Today I confessed to my fellow workers that I don't have someone that I can confide in, to share honestly my feelings, and my pent up frustration and questions about anything and everything. I felt lonely - a loneliness that engulf me even long before my wife passes on. Maybe I became so afraid of being betrayed, of being laughed at, or just being who I am. Sometimes I feel elated when there's praise comment, when there's a word of "affirmation" BUT still come away feeling that it's all just hot-air. I tried harder, tried better but still I know deep within me that I am just playacting!

I don't know whether you'll understand me but this gnawing feeling eats at me once in a while. I am terrified of leadership task, terrified of failure, terrified of not being good enough father, a good enough pastor, and what not. Sometime it is only when we are at our wit's end that we clearly see the horizon of hope found only in Christ our Lord!

PSALM 61:1-2 -Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Help me Lord!

When is Enough Enough

Sometimes I wonder when enough is enough. Like parenting, pastoring, working, making money, relationship, caring, loving and etc., etc. I spoke on authentic relationships (the art of one anothering - other-centeredness) and I am tested to the limit. When is enough enough! Loving can be tiring. Caring is certainly tiring though love conquers all. Relationships is sometimes hard to maintain on a high level of sanity because it comes with pain, hurts, misunderstanding, slighted-ness, endless sensitivity, happiness, fulfillment, security, significance, identity, acceptance, and the list goes on. We need a little of "positive insanity" to get by - live and let live BUT in Christ and not riotously, frivolously, and carelessly! We need a little "sublime ignorance" in the art of authentic friendship and relationship. By that I mean our friendship should not be put to such minute scrutiny as to interpret every action, move or word of a friend we are connected with - always giving a benefit of a doubt.

MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

PART 01 – ENCOUNTER WITH THE LORD

I once heard a preacher said when teaching on the guidance of God that “…there are many milestones of obedience but very few cross-roads of decisions.” After these many years of walking with Jesus (40 years to be exact), I have discovered that there were only a few occasions that demanded critical decisions but there were many milestones of obedience that God required of me. My relationship with God has not always been smooth. There were many times of falling flat on my face, many times that I battle with the reality of God in my life, and the guilt of not being able to meet up to the supposed “standard” set by God about spirituality and holiness.

There were perhaps some very significant times in my journey of faith that I would like to put on record. My teenager years were really turbulent. I came from a Christian family whose Christian roots goes way back to China under the ministry of John Sung and Watchman Nee. I practically grew up in a Christian home but my faith was merely an adoptive faith. I was able to parrot all of the bible stories, the gospel message and sing all the hymns, but I hardly knew God. Well into my teenager years, I began to rebel, to find excuses to stay away from church and I was spending more time with ungodly people. My education was plummeting and my grades were failing real bad. By the time I finished secondary school I had picked up many bad habits and was on my way out of the church.

I thank God that the story didn't end there. I actually went for a youth camp that year due to the pestering of my mother whom I love dearly. It was at that camp that I encountered God for the first time. All the years before, I had a head-knowledge or a working understanding of God, Jesus, and the church, but I had no personal relationship with Him. I was truly lost in and to the world, but at that camp I met God in a real and tangible way. I found myself weeping uncontrollably for a long time. After that I felt good, I felt renewed. I had never understood God in such a way. It was not dramatic like seeing a vision or what-not, but there was a definite sense of the presence of a transcendent God that was so near me. I have continued to treasure that sense of the presence of God even until now.

At that point in time, I believe that I met God for the first time and I experienced the reality of the love of God and His Word began to make a lot of sense to me. Two days later I stood up to give my life completely to serve Him. My life made a complete and radical change since then. I have never had any regrets since and I am still grateful to the Lord for counting me worthy to be part of His work in the vineyard!

PART 02 – TRANSFORMATION THROUGH A LIFE-ALTERING VISION

One of the things that I do to keep this experience alive in me is to constantly rehearse it with myself, share it with my children, and speak often to people about His goodness. As I relate this spiritual experience of transformation in my life it seems like only yesterday when it happened. I must admit that since then I do experience many ups and downs in my relationship with God, but the vision of this transformational experience in my life always manages to get me back on track with Him again. The second major transformation in my spiritual journey was at the time I was at a cross-road of a very big decision. I knew I have given my life completely to Him. I was very happy serving God in everything in the local church I grew up in; arranging chairs, distributing hymnals, song-leading, music, Bible study, and attending camps. I loved God, I studied the Bible and I read a lot of books, but there came a time when I felt a stirring in my heart to stop working and go to be trained in a discipleship school. I struggled with that for a couple of years because the church I was a part of was a renewed, Spirit-filled, Brethren church that didn't believe in Bible school. Everything was in-house and personal-study-and-discipline.

I remember it was one afternoon that I saw a vision of God. I must put it on record that I am not one of those who live on dreams and visions, though I come from a Pentecostal-charismatic church. I am not into a lot of “goose-bump spirituality” and I am known as a fairly rational person in my thinking. But this was one of few visions that I knew was not out of my vain imagination. I stood affixed and saw myself standing at the edge of a cliff and seeing people walking aimlessly and blind right over the cliff. I heard the Lord spoke to me that there are many blind and confused people dying every day unless I do something to stop it. The Lord reminded me that every time I heard the sound of a Chinese funeral one soul goes into eternal damnation!

Since then I have never allowed anything to distract me from the presence of God. I have always guarded jealously the presence of God because I knew from then on that if I don’t maintain the presence of God in my life, everything that I do would be out of my flesh and would be worthless. Over the years I have come to know Him even more. I have come to know His heart, His expectation for me, and I know very clearly whenever I moved away from Him. It is really hard to explain but I just know it when God speaks, when He wants me to step aside from everything and just listen. Of course, I must admit that there were times when I knew He wanted me to lay some things down but I kind of pushed it aside. God is a loving Father. I have always known that deep within me.

PART 03 – RECONCILIATION WITH MY EARTHLY FATHER

The third experience that I would like to record was God’s dealing with a part of me that was buried deep within for years. In my growing years, my father was never around. He spent his time working and I hardly saw him except on Fridays and even then, he was usually drunk. I grew up with a seething hatred for my father. Even after my transformational experience with Jesus and a powerful vision I was never healed from my hatred for my father. I was able to cover it deep within my psyche.

Three years after I came back from Bible School, my father was diagnosed with cancer. It was at one of those times in God’s presence that He brought to my mind my earthly father. I felt overwhelmed with God’s presence and He spoke gently to me about dealing with the hate that is still residing in my heart. Immediately, I felt the love of God even though I was not worthy of receiving it. It was a case of Jesus making it possible for me to receive the love of God and to love Him back. With that, I was determined to forgive my father and to work out reconciliation with him. I took action by taking care of my father when he was going through operation and recovery. I had a restored relationship with my dad. I saw him come back to the Lord; loving Jesus and reading his bible regularly. It was refreshing. I will always cherish such an experience.

By the time I got married in 1985 I was able not only to engage with my father in conversation but I was able to put my arms around him and embraced him. I remembered the wonderful times of playing Chinese chess with him, learning to paint, and hearing him sing and telling stories of his younger days. I had wonderful memories of him staying in my house and loving my kids and pampering them.

PART 04 - I QUIT BUT GOD PROVIDED

1987 was indeed an eventful year of my life. Maybe, in hindsight, one of the biggest mistakes in my life was to walk out of full-time ministry in the church. I was so confident that the Lord wanted me to do that, but eventually found out that I had disobeyed Him and had entered into a spiritual wilderness of my own doing. However, I can praise God because even in such a situation I did experience the grace of God in my life. Three months after I resigned I found my wife pregnant with our first child. Of course I was very happy. We had already decided to start a family. So that year was eventful for only one reason perhaps – I had no money to give good medical attention to my precious wife. Pastor Albert and his wife were so kind to rent us a room in their home and also to provide dinner for us. On top of that they gave us RM150 for the baby. My wife and I had decided to have the child delivered in our General Hospital so as not to incur too much money. We were contented. By then I had already realized that I was too impulsive in making the decision to quit the church though that’s another story and I will leave it for some other time. Suffice to say, I had learned my lesson and I was happy to be back on track. Still I had to live with the consequences of my decision.

God did some wonderful things in our lives. One day Pastor Chong Leang came into the office and shared with me that the Lord wanted me to send my wife to the best maternity clinic there was and He would meet all my needs. I was skeptical at first but later felt that I needed to take this step of faith so I sent my wife to Specialist Maternity Centre in Seberang Prai. To our surprise, the doctor recognized that I was in ministry and told my wife that he would give us fifty percent discount for the delivery. We were elated! On top of that, she received free consultation for her monthly check-ups and we only had to pay a minimal sum for the medicine. To cut the long story short, the rest of the amount was paid by a sister in the church that I only casually know! Praise the Lord! I have never ceased to be amazed by the goodness of the Lord all these years.

I also need to register here that there were times where we were really down to our last penny. Yet at those times we would just look to the Lord to see us through. We cut back on everything that we could do without. We only lived with the barest minimum but we managed to survive through those turbulent years. In my 29 years of marriage and the raising of three beautiful children, we never had the money to go for holidays as a family other than to Langkawi – and even that was due to the fact that I was scheduled to speak in our church there. Yes, “…in whatsoever state I am therewith to be contented,” has been my life verse. Indeed, it is the Word of God that is so real in my life and family.

PART 05 - Running ahead like a horse

This particular incident epitomize the whole notion of my bend on defying those in authority over me during my youthful days. This happened way back into the late seventies just after I came back to Penang from Tung Ling Bible School, Singapore, and still in the old church –

This was perhaps the most unpleasant incident in my life that really got me into big trouble. All hell broke loose in my little church when I wrote a very sensitive and ‘offensive’ article in our Youth Outreach Report. The text of my article was taken from Psalm 32:9 – “Do not be like the horse or like the mule which has no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you.” Let me try to recapitulate - getting into my brain and trying to recall what I had written.

But before I go into it, allow me to just state a few things. Don’t try to be a smart-alec like me – young but foolish! Whenever we intend to speak - or in my case, to write – do it properly and with due respect and sensitivity. I was sincere but foolhardy at the same time. Criticism is not without a repercussion! Over the years I have learned to hold my horses. It is wise to say little and listen much. No one would think you are stupid. But when we speak too fast and too soon, we play the fool. My article caused me to be reprimanded in front of the church. I was made to apologize for my insensitivity and my lack of respect for the older ‘saints’. I had to ask myself whether it was worth it all. It was not the content of my message that was offensive but the way I wrote it. The message is just as relevant today as it was over thirty years ago. This time round I am older and on the other end of the stick.

I started my article (I guess, wrongly) saying that there were two types of people that bothered me a lot: one who was like a horse and the other like a donkey! I went on to describe the “horse” - liken them to young people – impatient and impulsive, those that needed to be restraint with bit and bridle. It is still true today that young people have a tendency of running ahead of God and end up either making wrong decisions, running in circles, or run roughshod over other people. Young people more often than not needed to be restrained so that they would not run helter-skelter with lots of energy but no direction. Young people need the wisdom of the older folks.

On the flip side (that’s where I got into trouble) we have the “donkeys” in the church (supposedly older folks) that are too stubborn to move on for God. They had a tendency of sitting their way to heaven. I went on to mention about people sitting in the same old place in the church week in and week out and wearing out the seat in the process. They were unwilling to move, unwilling to change for the better even as the world moves on. I was really very vocal and graphic too. I guess I went overboard likening the “donkey” to the older people in the church. What I was unaware of at that time was that the church had lots of older folks and they took offense to my writing and was angered by my comments.

While I don’t think my satire was wrong, my underlining meaning was too much for them to chew. I was indeed sorry for that unfortunate event. Today, more than thirty years later, I found myself in the same category as those I describe but I pray I would not be too stubborn to move on with God. I pray I would stay young and continue to flow with God’s Spirit who charts new courses ahead of me.

In conclusion, please do not be like a “horse”, that runs ahead of God, nor be like a “donkey” and stay glued to the seat and unwilling to move when God says go!

PART 06 – A PRIDE SO HUGE

Somewhere in 1987 God put me through one of the toughest tests of my life. I was into our second year of my marriage and both my wife and I were serving full-time in the church. Prior to that, I had never let God fully deal with this particular area of my life – the failure to respect authority. I found it very difficult to respect those in authority over me. In hindsight, I must say that I had a pride so huge that I ccouldn'tsee that I could be wrong in anything. I had thought that since I was there at the beginning of the church and was with those who came out to form this new one, and I had been to Bible School and was faithfully serving God, then I should be considered for a place in leadership. I was deeply hurt when I was bypassed and that some of the deacons appointed were ‘novices’ in the church– in my opinion. I felt my ego was tremendously bruised. Secretly, I harbored a feeling of bitterness. I felt betrayed and that all the years of giving my life and time were not appreciated.

Ironically, when one is hurt, the tendency is to find the opportunity to quit, to call it a day or to move on. The thought that I had then was that if I quit and move on to some other vineyard then the church would miss me and feel the loss. How weird were those thoughts. Anyway, I was looking for the opportune time to call it quits. Many times I would bug my wife to let me quit full-time and to do something else. Each time I asked her she would say no and that she felt I would be outside the will of God if I did (thank God for a wife like that!).

Some months later there was an incident that happened in the office that really made me blow my top. I was so angry over the incident that I wanted to resign twenty-four hours. That night I spoke to my wife and she graciously said yes to me. She only requested that I do it properly, that I should not quit in twenty-four hours but to put in a proper resignation letter and make an appointment with the elder of the church to explain my decision. ‘Wow,’ I thought ‘…that must be God!’ Finally I got what I wanted, so I wrote the resignation letter and gave it to the church. I even had tea with the Elder. Everything went smoothly. My resignation was accepted. I was going to be an itinerant preacher and teacher of the Word – whatever that is! I had no idea what I would do after resigning but I felt good at that time. My wife continued to work as a secretary in the church.

PART 07 – OFFER TO PASTOR A DIFFERENT VINEYARD

Soon after I stopped working for the church I had an offer from a small church that was desperately searching for a pastor. I was elated. The offer was lucrative – the pay was three times more than what the church paid me, I would be staying in a parsonage, and would be driving a church vehicle. It was like a dream come true. Retrospectively, I was thankful to God for some good sense that prevailed in that afternoon meeting with the leader of the other church where we decided that we should set a three-month trial period. I was to get involved in the church regularly and to feel the pulse of the church and to discern the will of God before agreeing to anything.

I found much acceptance in the church; I preached on Sundays, taught a bible study series in a cell group, and had so much fun during those three months. I was ready to take up the new role. I was ready to leave my church and move on somewhere else. I was very sure of what I was doing. I was getting my wife to be ready to quit her job in the church and to join me in the new church. My wife was also carrying my first child. It sounded great with great security and a great future. However, the attractive thing about the offer was not the remuneration or the acceptance from the congregation, but the fact that I was asked to be the presiding elder of the church. Back in my own church I was not even recognized as a leader at all – I was merely a church worker even though I was with the church since its inception.

PART 08 – GOD SPOKE LOUD AND CLEAR

One evening I was travelling home on my bike, passing through the Vale of Tempe, when all of a sudden I heard God spoke to me. It was not audible but certainly I recognized the voice of God speaking to me from within my spirit. It was about a week before I had to make the final decision on whether I would accept the offer or not. The voice of God was so distinct. He spoke and said to me, “Son, if you take up this job, that’s the beginning of the end of your ministry!” I was shaken and I asked the Lord why and He graciously said that He had not finished with me yet in the church I was in. I was to remain no matter what! It was clear that I had issues that I needed to deal with and pride that I needed to work out before God could take me any further.

Immediately upon reaching home I called the key leader of the church and told him what the Lord had spoken to me. I told him that I was sorry that I was not meant to take up the role of a pastor there. Guess what? He was not surprised at all because God had already told him that he should not leave the church and hand the pastoral job to me. On his side, God was not finished with him yet in his church. I was glad everything worked out well in the end.

PART 09 – WALKING THROUGH THE VALLEY

Over the next few weeks, I was pondering over the whole event and I learned that I was running away from what God wanted to do in my life. I remembered years earlier, when I was in Bible School, a prophetic word over me was that God would raise me up to be a teacher of the Word, but before I could see the effect of God’s Word upon the lives of the people it will have to affect me first. It is like a two-edged sword - both sides of the sword are sharp. What I would use to cut into people’s lives would have to cut into my life first.

One other thing that God was changing in me was my stinking pride. It had to be put to death. I had to give up the idea that I was good enough to lead the church. I had always coveted a leadership position but through this experience I had to confess my sin of pride. I thought God wanted to promote me to be an elder/senior pastor but it was more of God testing me. I had to lay it down because I knew I was not ready to take up a leadership role. It was a very humbling experience, something that I would never want to go through, ever again. I decided to remain back in church but by now I was jobless, my wife was pregnant, and we had to rent a room from Pastor Albert. My troubles did not end here. I had to walk through this valley for the next couple of years. I came to work in the church as a volunteer worker, so for slightly more than a year I worked without pay. At that time my wife continued to work as a secretary in the church. I can’t imagine how we went through it all with so little money. It’s the grace of God and the goodwill of Pastor Albert and his wife, Meng Eng.

PART 10 - HEAVEN WAS LIKE BRASS

In June 1988, I took my family to Langkawi to pastor the work there. Again, I failed in one sense of the word. It was there that I found much loneliness in ministry, and heaven was like brass. I had to spend three months praying for God to say something to me. According to my wife, she enjoyed her time in Langkawi. For her, God fulfilled every one of her dreams. Only after we came back to Penang - defeated, lost, and jobless - that I came to know from my wife that she was not willing for me to quit my job in the first place. I was adamant and the Lord told her in one of her prayer times that she should let me go and let Him deal with me. Thanks for telling me now – that was my response to her. Well, I must say she suffered together with me through the years of my disobedience, but in her own way God fulfilled her dreams. It was another three more months of testing before I finally came back into the church as a church worker which, if you think about it, was a demotion because I was the first pastor in the church before my wilderness experience.

PART 11 – FEASTING BEFORE MY “ENEMIES”

Let me just backtracked a little and share the vision I saw in my time in Langkawi after three months of knocking on heaven’s door -

For three months, heaven was like brass - a completely impenetrable iron gate stood between God’s voice and I. It was like I was walking through the “…valley of the shadow of death…” Twenty-nine years ago, this remote island was really remote. There were no traffic lights and there was only one tarred road. No family and friends from outside the island were able to communicate with me because there was no phone line. The only way was for me to call them and the nearest public phone was seven kilometers away. I had no means of transportation too.

If there was any time in my life that I needed the Lord the most, it would have been my time there. Thank God that I did have some members of the congregation that I could fellowship with; that was great. But deep within me I was struggling spiritually. I was desperate for God to speak to me; I was desperate to know what was happening. I spent three months locked in one of the bedrooms (that I had converted into an office) from nine in the morning to twelve noon. I prayed. I read the bible. I fell asleep. For three long months heaven was like brass. The heaven was really silent. God was not speaking. It was a desperate situation.

To cut the long story short, after three months of desperate cries to the Lord, He finally spoke. I heard Him clearly instructing me to open the bible and read Psalm 23. I was like – “…What?” I thought to myself that I have known the text since I was a child. What’s the purpose of reading the psalm? But the Lord instructed me to open to it and to read it out loud. Reluctantly, I opened my bible and began reading it aloud. As I was reading the Word of God, all of a sudden, every word made sense. Metaphorically speaking, the truth of God’s Word jumped out of the Bible and penetrated into my heart. When I came to Verse 6: “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows”, I was suddenly caught up in a vision. I saw my family sitting on a long banqueting table with Jesus having a feast. But the banqueting table was spread out in an open field – a pasture more like it – with a fence surrounding the field. Behind the fence I saw multitudes of demons trying to get in. The fence was keeping them at bay. But at the table Jesus lovingly looked at me and asked for my hand. When I reached out my hand to him He took out a signet ring and placed it into my finger and then proclaimed that He had given me all authority in heaven and on earth.

I was elated. I was overjoyed. That day was the beginning of my new journey of faith with God up till today. I have never forgotten what the Lord had done for me then. All these years, I saw the anointing of God come upon me whenever I had to exercise the authority of God over a situation. Yes, that encounter with the Lord totally transformed me in my life, my family, and my ministry.

MOM'S PARENTING PHILOSOPHY

PART 01 – FAMILY ALTAR

One of the most powerful indelible mark that Mom has left for her children would be the daily family altar. Each kids would get some quality time with Mom as a toddler where she would read to them nursery rhythms that tell the stories from the Bible. Sometimes Dad would put melody into those nursery rhythms and sing to them with my guitar. Our children grew up with the daily reading of the bible, singing, and praying for one another, those in need, and the missionaries too.

Once my children could read they would be asked to read some of the Scriptures during the Family Altar. Judson was the only one who would do speed reading. Dad was always assigned to explain and the children were always encouraged to ask questions. Sometime they would intentionally asked silly questions. I think we might have actually completed reading through the entire Bible - both Old and New Testament at least once over. In their later years as teenagers we had Family Altar only once a week where we still read the bible, pray for one another, for those in need, and the missionaries. The last time we did this was about three months before Mom passed away.

I am very proud of my children who stood by her Mom and never failed to come together for family devotion whenever she calls for one. Everyone would stop what they were doing and gathered around the table for the devotion unless they were not at home. The last one that we had we were reading from the Book of Isaiah and probably the second time round!

I am looking forward to see my grandchildren gathering round their parents and having family altars – reading the Bible together, praying for each other and missionaries too!

PART 02 – HOUSE RULES

Ean Beng was the Home Affairs Minister, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Justice all rolled into one. There were only FOUR BASIC RULES that governed her household –

Rule No. One: OBEY YOUR MOM AND DAD. My children were all grilled with one of the famous songs from The Donut Man and it goes like this - O.B.E.Y. - Obey your mom and dad; O.B.E.Y – it makes them very glad; Listen to the words they say, obey your parents every day; O.B.E.Y. - Obey your mom and dad. When you’re riding in the car, sit still (sit still); when your mum says “go to bed” say “I will” (I will); when it’s time to clean your room, you must pick up your toys; remember obedience brings joy.

Rule No. Two: SAY YOU’RE SORRY, HUG AND KISS BACK. This rules apply even to Mom and Dad, and those cousins and friends who came to stay in our house. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, if there’s a fight – everyone has to say sorry, hug and kiss back.

Rule No. Three: Jesus says that we must do what? Yes, LOVE ONE ANOTHER. She will constantly drum into the kids about loving one another – meaning (a) don’t quarrel, argue and fight, (b) share everything, (c) do not be mean to your younger sister and brother - including teasing, and (d) don’t say stupid.

Rule No. Four: WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Some words are not allowed to be uttered in our home, for example, the word “stupid”, “silly”, and any words that are vulgar or give negative connotation. She will deal with the kids severely if they uttered the word “stupid” even if it is directed to themselves. One day Judson was so exasperated with Joyce and really wanted to scream the forbidden word “stupid” at her but knowing that he would be severely punished he instead shouted “stu-ki”. Technically his Mom could not fault him but we all know what he really wanted to say. Very ingenious and original indeed. Maybe that’s why he turns out to be a lawyer today!

There’s also one by-law in our house: EAT YOUR VEGGIES! But for Judson he had one additional by-law and that was eating a piece of fish a day. You see, he doesn't eat fish at all. One day a preacher spoke about parenting and mentioned about getting our children to eat what is good and nourishing for them and to insist on it with firmness. Since that day Mom make sure the boy has a tiny piece of fish on his plate. It really doesn't matter how he eats it – swallow it like a medicine with water or whatever just as long as it goes in. I think she did that for a number of years!

PART 03 – THE SOUND OF MUSIC

Music is very much a part of the growing up years of our children and Mom make sure that they do. As far as their Mom is concerned every child should be musical – sing, play an instrument and dance. She will make sure all her children took piano lessons and she will make sure they practice at home. It seems like a torturing time for my kids at times but their Mom does not relent that easily. She made them practice the piano more consistently than their study – that’s my assessment.

Judson started late in piano. Well, his Mon let him learn drum instead because we didn't have money to own a piano. But his one year of drum lessons didn't go anywhere because the teacher was also not going anywhere! So when Joyce started on her piano lesson we had a little keyboard (really not fit to be use even as a piano substitute) for her to fiddle with. Judson was watching by the side and we saw that he was kind of interested in it. So when Mom asked him whether he wanted to learn piano he said yes. His Mom was so excited and enrolled him almost immediately. He was into piano playing quite easily really.

And when it comes to spending money for music lessons, singing lessons or learning any other instruments Mom would no spare any effort to find money for the tuition – piano, violin, vocal lessons, drums, and bass. Mom was always cautious about finance but for the sake of her children’s music education which was top priority we bought our first and only piano with a credit card. We took many years to pay back the bank and to discontinue the Card. The only other debts were the housing and car loan. 

In her heart she always wish for her children to be able to serve alongside her through music and singing. She saw her dream come through when her children became part of the church worship ministry. She’s always very proud of them.

PART 04 – OF FOOD, EDUCATION & ENTERTAINMENT

Our family grew up eating what was placed on the table without complaining. For a number of years I was struggling to be stable in the work of the ministry that we had just enough or sometimes not enough too. It was too embarrassing to ask my family for help since I made the choice to serve God full-time and to walk this walk of faith. One thing that I am forever grateful to my wife and children is that they were with me all the way. Like I said we eat simple food – lots of bean curds, beans sprout, fried rice and eggs, fried “bee-hoon” and soup with cabbage, carrots, more bean curds and chicken bones for lunch and dinner. For our family, to be able to step into KFC was a luxury to say the least! Any good feasting for us would be at the table of my brothers and sisters. But for us food was the least of our concerns because my children had no difficulty eating what was placed on the table.

Our children don’t own many toys and we hardly buy any for them. All their toys were either hand-me-down or bought for them by their aunties and uncles. The best entertainment that I think their Mom provided for them was all the Christian music tapes and VCD – Psalty, The Donut Man, Bible Stories by Jodi Benson, etc. They hardly got to watch cartoons unless it was Christian-based and teaches Christian values. Well, they did watch Power Ranger when Mom was not around or when they were at other people’s home.

Now, comes to education Mom had her educational values all figured out neatly. She would start a reading regime when each of the kids reaches 2+ to 3. She’s not into numbers with her kids or science stuff but READING is a must. By age 7 Judson was already reading story books, Joyce was only 5 and a half when she could read on her own, and Jesher was about 6 and a half when he completed Peter and Jane. Today, all my kids are still avid readers. Some other values that she held dear are spiritual education - Christian music, story books, and family altar, and music education. I know that it would come as a surprise to some of you that she doesn't hold as top priority the regular school education. For her she wanted them to do well in their regular studies but she put a higher premium on their spiritual development, musical talent, and character.

I need to share this before I pen off this section. Like I have said before Ean Beng lives a very transparent life – straight to the point with all honesty. So, for you parents who got all tongue-tied when your kids suddenly pop the question “Mom, where do babies come from?” let me share with you candidly what my wife did with her kids. She doesn't wait for them to pop the question, she already had a lesson plan on sex education for them! One thing I admire about her is the fact that she’s very cool about it (maybe too cool) and she would teach them just as it is using all the right and proper words - absolutely no simile or metaphor in describing human body parts and function! Ask my children, they remember it very well! Come to think about it, how much a child actually understands what she said in all its details is still a mystery to unpack!  

#02 – Tales of the Big Three - THE PAIN & JOY OF PARENTING

We enjoyed raising our children. I am sure all of you young parents out there can testify to that – it can be tough, tiring, and painful but nevertheless there remains a joy that cannot be explained and an experience you will not trade for money or possession. To us, our children are not only a gift of God but more than that - they bring completeness and wholeness to our relationship, they bring out the best and the worst in us, and they bring us closer to God in more ways than we can ever imagine.

Each one of our kids has a unique, one-of-a-kind character (I thank God for unique individuality in each of them) but whether we like it or not, on many occasions they do mirror-image us – to the point of our embarrassment at ourselves. We would not admit it but in all honesty we know that they were just “monkey see monkey do” that’s all!

I remember vividly that there was this time when I was exasperated with Joyce for doing something silly. Unfortunately I couldn’t remember what it was only just remember what I said to her. I said, “Joyce, where do you park your brain?” What I meant was that she was not thinking when she did the silly thing! I l left it at that. Some days or weeks later I heard Joyce screaming at his younger brother and then exclaimed, “Jesher, where do you park your brain?” Talk about imitation! So parents, we need to be careful what we say and what we do as those little pairs of eyes are always watching us!

There are lots of memories that I can relate to you about parenting – both the “ah-ha” moments as well as mistakes that we had made. I am not a perfect Father, in fact, I fall quite far short of it on many occasions, but they have since become life’s lessons edged permanently in my mind and hopefully can be of help to others willing to learn from my short-comings.

Let the journey begins......

PART 02-1 – LANGKAWI IN THE EIGHTIES

One of the earliest memories of parenting was the time we went to Langkawi to pastor a little work there. It’s been 26 long years when my eldest son was only 4 months old. We were excited to go there as there was a ministry opening for me and besides that we had to move out of Albert’s place because they were moving in to their new home. But little did we know that it was really so backward – we arrived on the island which had only one road and no traffic lights, the nearest public telephone booth was about 5 Kilometre away, and no public transport except some taxis.

That evening when we first arrived at our new home which was also the church I was horrified because the lights went off and there was no hot water, the bed was not even fixed yet, and the place was in a mess! Just imagine with me – the kitchen was so cluttered with chairs, tables and what not! Now what do you do with a wife and four months-old baby? Looking back, I was just thinking how we did it? But the best part of our 9 months stay in Langkawi was the laid-back lifestyle of the islanders.

 But we really had so much uninterrupted time caring for Judson. I had the privileged of spending so much time with him – taking him on my bike to visit church families, the market, and the beach. That was 1988. The air was fresh and clean. We were transported back in time to the sixties. When we wanted vegetables I would go to the farm for the produce and when we wanted to buy fish we would go to the nearby beach at the right time waiting for the fishermen to come back with their catch. When we craved for chicken we had to buy a live one and slaughter it ourselves. I couldn't do that so I paid extra 50 cents for it. Finally, when we really, really wanted to have pork we would have to wait for someone to sneak it in from Kuala Perlis when she came back after visiting her hometown.

That’s life in Langkawi – that’s also our journey in parenting. I believe that my bonding with Jud came early during our time there. We had so much fun together – in his formative year. We left Langkawi back for the Island of Penang when Jud was 13 months after celebrating his first birthday there!

PART 02-2 – IS IT TRUE ABOUT THE “TERRIBLE” TWO?

We had our fair share of headache, anxiety and stress trying our best to keep our two years old in a leash and under control – from Judson to Joyce and finally Jesher! Each one of them gave us different challenges – it’s not one size fits all type of parenting. They were so different that we had to parent them differently.

My eldest one had no problem sitting quietly and have his meals since he was a baby so we had it easy even when he was two. But what we had to deal with was his behaviour in Sunday School! Every other week I would receive a complaint from the teacher that he had pulled a girl’s hair. I really couldn’t imagine him doing that but he sure did it. I had to apply the rod on his seat of learning (buttock) for a few months before he finally wised up.

My daughter, on the other hand could not sit still at all – she had to run all over the place during mealtime. Her Mom wouldn’t allow that so she did get a lot of spanking from her Mom for that. Her father, I must admit, was too soft on her because she’s a girl. I had never used a cane on her except only lightly hit her on her bottom with the palm of my hand! But there was this one time when she was really unmanageable during a dinner out with friends at a restaurant. She was so noisy and was getting on my nerves. I hold her down firmly and whispered to her. After that she calmed down and was in her good behaviour for the rest of the evening. Some people at the table was amazed with what happened and a little curious to know what I said to her. They assumed that I must have bribed her with something that she could not resist. Well, I whispered to her that if she did not stop her nonsense she would get the most painful spanking on her bottom till she could not sit when we reached home. That does the trick I guess! She was in her good behaviour after that!

Jesher, my youngest son was so quiet that you could missed him even when he’s just next to you. He doesn’t make a lot of noise and would constantly go missing. His favourite past-time at age 2 was to go walking like a spaced-out “zombie” oblivious to everything and everyone around him! He went missing in the mall once and almost took the heart out of us or the expression - “our hearts was about to drop out!” Fortunately, minutes later and searching furiously all over the place we heard a familiar fainting cry calling for us. It was undoubtedly him because we recognized his voice. You know, I ran and scooped him up into my arms and embraced him real tight. I could be angry and mad but I didn’t. I was just so grateful to have him back in my arms! At the time when the Church was meeting in the old Majestic Theatre Jesher was a handful. He was little, no doubt, but loves to go missing in the big sanctuary. Almost every Sunday – after service – he would go missing and usually it took us at least 15 minutes to find him. And guess where we would find him many times? Yes, he would be sitting quietly behind a door – not a squeaky sound. Up till today (he’s coming to 21 now) he’s still squeakily quiet even when we call him. It’s just him – finding it hard to answer when his father calls him.

PART 02-3 – ABSOLUTELY IGNORANT PARENTS

Perhaps one of the most interesting things about parenting is that we can be clueless about our children’s behaviour. More often than not we wear a blinker or have a blind side when it comes to our children – we think they are angels. It’s always the other kids that are influencing ours to do wrong things. How wrong can that be in many occasions!

One day when Judson came back from school the bus driver told me that he was fighting in the bus and he told me that he started it. Apparently he threw some kind of paint on the other boy. Judson told me he didn’t do it and certainly didn’t start the fight. Guess what? I choose to believe him rather than the bus driver thinking that he couldn’t have been able to notice it – the other guy’s words against my son, that’s all. I thought he was such a well-behaved boy at home he couldn’t do such thing in school or on the bus. It took us close to three years down the road to discover that he was not so innocent after all. He was quite a prankster in the school too. The cat was let out of the bag when his fellow schoolmate came to the youth. Go ask Sarah Khoo. We (his parents) were duped!

Joyce was not so much a trouble-maker in school. The things that puzzled us most was the frequency of headache, stomach-ache, and not feeling well. Her dad had to ritually go to the school and signed her out and take her home. Sometimes I wanted to stop believing her and kind of sense that she’s faking it but what if I am wrong – so I just go along with it. Sometimes I was in the midst of a meeting and had to excuse myself and went to the school to get her. Well, this goes on until she’s in Upper Six – can you believe that? The other inconvenience that I frequently got from her was the numerous times she forgot her books, badges, or homework that she needed to hand to the teacher. The frustrating thing was the fact that after dropping her just before the school bell rang - usually rushing like a mad man - and to reach home to hear her Mom telling me Joyce called; she had forgotten to bring something to school!

When it comes to Jesher, being such a small sized boy, the school bag was heavier than him. We had to get him a school bag with a handle and a roller but the dilemma was that his class was on the second floor. Sometimes I wonder whether the school principal did any thinking – putting standard one kids on the top floor of the school. It makes no sense at all. Anyway I was always worried for him but the strange thing was that he seems to be fine. I had no clue as to how he managed every day climbing up the stairs and down with such a heavy bag so one day I intentionally came to school early to observe how he did it. To my surprise he had such great ingenuity up his sleeves. When the bell rang every kid was rushing to get down the stairs – pushing and haggling away. I was waiting for him but he was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, after everyone had come down from the stairs, I looked up and saw this little boy pulling his bag to the edge of the stairs and throwing it down. He did that several times in order to reach the ground floor. My, oh my, now I realized why he was always the last one out – you’re right, to avoid the human traffic. And think how effortless it is to just throw the bag down. I discovered the reason why his bag spoiled so often – a new bag before the year was over!

SECTION #03 – The Tale of the Big Three

PART 03 - PARENTING TEENAGERS

Parenting teenagers? That’s a tough one – full of challenges, loud bangs, raised voices, and tears from all the hurts, the misunderstandings and the gossips in the school, all rolled into one. I am tempted to write about the aches and pains of raising teenagers, especially boys. There comes a time when the boys grew up and will think they are smarter, much cooler than their Mom and Dad, Suddenly we have become dinosaurs!

Suffice for me to say this – let them be; continue to be their parents and hear them out, and the day will come when they will be running back to you for help. “Dad, can you fetch me? Dad, I need some money. Mom, can you cook supper for me?” Suddenly they will realize that they do need us. Parenting is for a lifetime, I assure you! “Dad, I had an accident. Dad, my assignment is too tough.” Dad this and Dad that! Mom this and Mom that! I think that’s all folks …. Going any further would be treading on dangerous water!

#01 – The Tale of the Big Three - THE ADVENTURE OF A FATHER

One of the great lessons of married life is learning to adjust according to the changes in different seasons of your life. For us, the time of great adjustments would be these: becoming parents for the first time, parenting school-going kids, and managing our teenage children. These are the big three. It’s like the second wave is bigger than the first – and the third is tsunami!

Let me tell you my story –

Well into the second year of our marriage, we planned to start a family. When my wife missed her menses, she kind of sensed that this is it – she may be pregnant! Both of us came from a very fruitful family (my parents have seven kids and her parents have eight) and we certainly did not need to try very hard! See, when she went for her pregnancy test, she was told that she’s about 6 weeks into the pregnancy – the strange thing was that up ‘til then she had no morning sickness, but after seeing the doctor she immediately developed evening sickness! That’s weird and I think it’s psychosomatic! And I saw that in a lot of pregnant women. Even though they were pregnant they didn't experience morning sickness until they were told that they were pregnant! And you certainly read it right – she had evening sickness – the nausea only came in the evening. And her craving? Chicken chop, Ox-Tail Soup and plenty of "soya" bean drinks!

Fatherhood changed me forever! But in reality, fatherhood changes everything for the guys – either they grow closer to their spouse or they grow apart slowly. As for me, I changed for the better. My wife told me that when I became a father, I changed to be a better husband and a better man. Wow – a compliment from her is worth a thousand possessions!

Our nine months journey together into parenthood has lots of stories for me to tell.

PART 01-1 - A GIFT FROM THE LORD

We came back from the clinic with some mixed feelings – I was happy to know that I am going to be a father, but at the same time scared about the weight of a stack of responsibilities. What if we cannot take care of the child? I mean, we were going to be a first-time parents!

One evening my wife pulled me aside and told me something that jolted me a little. She told me that one day she was worshiping God alone in the room when she felt the presence of God and the Lord told her that in a year’s time He will give her a son and she shall call him ‘praise’. She remembered that she had written it down on her journal (she made it a habit to write everything down in her diary since before our marriage) so she quickly took out her journal and searched for the entry. To her amazement, she saw that the date on her journal was exactly one year ago from the date of her conception (as calculated by the doctor). She was thrilled but yet doubtful. I was thrilled and I simply took it that God had spoken.

For the rest of her pregnancy I kept believing that God has provided us with a son and we will call him praise. Since the biblical name Judah (meaning praise to God) didn't sound quite right to us – because we were scared that in the latter years his friends might tease him by calling him Judas the betrayer – I decided to name him after the famous Christian author Judson Cornwall who wrote numerous books on praise and worship.

True enough God gave us a son and we named him Judson. Later I found out that his name means son of praise – “Jud” means praise in Hebrews and “son” is the English word “son”.

PART 01-2 - BABY BLUES

I remember the morning when my wife went into labor; we were staying in the place known as the Australian Village – the semi-detached houses next to Kolej Tunku Abdul Rahman – and because I didn't own a car I had to borrow my brother’s car (he lived on the opposite side of the road). I think I practically woke up the whole neighborhood when I called for my brother. It was about 7.30 in the morning.

I remember rushing her to Specialist Maternity Center in Chai Leng Park, Seberang Prai – excited, anxious, and dazed all at the same time. Half-way through the journey she said that she’s hungry so I had to stop in the Hawker Center in Green Lane, run to the stall to get her dumplings, and literally run back to the car. She ate it all. So all the rushing and running, for this first-time father-to-be, was really exhausting. Finally we reached there and after checking her the nurse said that it won’t be very soon and asked me to relax. Guess what? The boy ONLY arrived into this world at 7.30 pm – that’s close to 12 hours long.

My wife “swore” she would not have another child because it’s so painful and also would not relate her “ordeal” to any young women at all so as not to scare them. Well she didn't keep that promise – we went on to have two more kids and she happily told people about the ordeal and the wonderful feelings after that.

After checking out of the hospital we headed for my sister’s house in the South of the Island. She took care of my wife and our baby during the confinement. The arrangement: my sister took care of the baby during the day and we took care of him ourselves at night. What happened that really shook me was during the first week of confinement. One evening my wife suddenly went depressed; she just cried and told me she wanted to go home. She was so desperate to go home without the baby – I mean, asking to just leave everything and craving to get in her own bed. I didn't know what to do at first. My sister was so understanding – she took care of the baby and asked me to take her home. I took her home and left the baby there with my sister. That night she slept like a baby and the following day she woke up happy and told me she misses her baby and wanted to go back. That’s odd! But later I found out, through reading, that she was experiencing baby blues! Thank God it’s only for one day!

PART 01-3 – ELIZABETH BECAME JOYCE

When my eldest son was 2-plus Mum had forgotten about the pain of child-birth and was longing for a kid brother or sister for Judson. I couldn't agree more because it was no secret that I wanted a daughter. It’s almost like a demand for the Lord to give us a girl this time round. Of course, at the back of our minds, this was but a wish-list. Again we plan for a second baby and true to our genes, we were both very fruitful – because it didn't take us very long. In fact it was so soon, we were caught off guard – she became pregnant during our packing up to move to the mainland!

What happened was the morning after we moved to our new home in the Mainland, she came out of the bathroom and informed me that she’s bleeding. She told me that it is different from the normal menstruation so we suspected that she might be pregnant and that it’s not a good sign. So I rushed her to see Dr. Pauline in Chai Leng Park. It was about 8 in the morning. To cut a long story short the doctor told me that the good news was I am going to be a father again but the bad news was that the bleeding could be a sign of a threatened abortion. One of the reason could be the heavy lifting and work we did while packing stuff for our move to a new home. Dr Pauline, being a very fine Christian and a prayer warrior, prayed for her and felt that the child would be fine but would need the father’s prayer every day.

This was a very difficult pregnancy for my wife. She had to be in bed a number of times due to the bleeding and each time would mean at least a week long! She was only 4 weeks into the pregnancy when we went to see the doctor. Into her 2^nd month something strange yet wonderful happened – I was singing in my sleep to my wife. The next morning she asked me why I sang so loud to her in the middle of the night. I was blur because I didn't know what she was talking about. Then we both realized that I was singing in my sleep. I asked her what was I singing about and she said that I was singing from a scripture in Isaiah 12:3 – “Therefore with joy shall you draw water out of the wells of salvation.”

I harbored a strong wish in my heart that this child would be a girl (and I really couldn't care less about a boy’s name) but I had the name Elizabeth edged in my mind for this child of mine. After the “singing-in-the-sleep” episode I was even more convinced that this child will be a girl and I will call her Joyce. True enough God granted me a daughter and her name is Joyce. She’s a bundle of joy.

I will share more in the next episode –

PART 01-4 – MORE THAN A BUNDLE

During the remaining months of her pregnancy she had to be rushed to the hospital once for a false labor episode and several times confined to her bed for a week. The child was special but demanding I think. I remembered clearly the words of Dr. Pauline so I prayed for her every night. Like this particular time that she experienced pain (which turned out to be a false alarm), I traced back and realized that I had stopped praying for the baby for some days. Well, from then on, I started to pray faithfully for the child without fail until the baby was born – many times past 1 in the morning. You see, I had to travel frequently back to Penang Island for meetings and sometimes I only reached home after 1 in the morning.

On the 8^th month of her pregnancy she had a massive asthmatic attack and she was breathing very heavily and panting away. I was at the prayer meeting and she didn't think it necessary to call me. When I reached home she was sitting on the sofa panting away trying to catch her breath. I wanted to take her to see Dr. Khoo who operated a clinic in Nibong Tebal (pronounce as “Knee-Te-Bung Tebal” according to Judson who was 3 years old) but she insisted that it’s okay. And her reason was that she was afraid that the medication would affect her baby. I had to almost forcefully get her to go with me to the clinic. Praise God we were in time – but what a scare!

So when the day finally came, she was more than ready for the new kid to come into the world. I was just as excited as when we had our first child. I was trying to rush her to get ready so that we could get to Specialist Maternity Centre in Bukit Mertajam (about 35 KM away) but she was as cool as a cucumber! She just sat on the edge of her bed and took out a book that she had been reading for the whole duration of her pregnancy – a book on praying every day for the unborn child with the Scriptures. Just imagine with me – she sat there and read through every scripture listed there for the entire 9 months. Yeah – it took her close to 30 minutes to read all the Scriptures and I was pacing up and down the floor waiting for her.

Again, I thought the baby would arrived the moment we reached the maternity clinic but I was wrong! We arrived at about 10 pm but she only came out at 1.15 in the morning – just over 3 hours. She was praying for a short labor and 3 hours is pretty good but the pain was still excruciating. Let me side-track a little: I waited outside the delivery room and the nurse said she’ll call me when the delivery is near so that I can hold my wife’s hand and watch my daughter come into the world. I guess I had not enough patience, and being bored with waiting, I decided to go and get a cup of coffee. The minute I left the clinic for the nearby “mamak” stall for a cup of coffee, she decided to come out – probably just as impatient as me!

You want to know why she was yelling away and the nurses had to calm her down? Well, this new-born baby was not like her brother, slow and steady – she arrived faster but she was a 9-pounder (Jud was only 7 ½ lbs)! No wonder her mum screamed her head off when she came into the world!

PART 01-5 – PARENTS FOR A THIRD TIME – A BONUS INDEED!

We were part of the rare couples who had three kids because most of the others stopped at two! Usually the first two was planned but the third one was an “accident” – whatever that means. I think the correct theology of pregnancy would be this: we may make plans about procreation but really it is God who gives life and every child that is born to us (whether we planned for it or “accidentally conceived him/her”) is a gift from the Lord. There is no accident in God’s creation. Our third child did not come as a surprise to us, and neither did we “plan” for it, but certainly he was conceived out of love, intimacy and passion! So it makes no difference whatsoever!

By this time she was more than experienced at being a mother so there’s really not much of a hassle. In fact, our third baby had the best medical care at Adventist Hospital. I was with her throughout the whole duration – waiting for the doctor, getting stuff for the baby, and our two kids were really happy in anticipation for a new brother to be added in the home. My mother was a little skeptical – she was worried about our ability to financially cope with having a third child. Well, we have lived with little for such a long time that we were no longer bothered about it. By the way, God has never failed us yet!

My wife told me that this time round she would not tolerate with the pain anymore so when she went into labor she was literally given “laughing gas” to ease her pain – she used up 1 ½ tanks of it! Well, according to her, the pain was more bearable but she still screamed! I know because this time I was beside her and she was holding on to my hands tightly. I thought my bones would be crushed! Dr. Zoe was there delivering the baby and it was a privilege to be able to finally muster up the courage to watch the whole process. I was told some fathers fainted watching their wives give birth. Oh – I loved every minute of it. When the baby came out, the doctor make a remark to my wife: “Oh – it’s a boy. Shall I see you the next time – a baby girl then?” I quickly retorted: “No, no more! Close shop.”

PART 01-6 – CUTE AND SMALL

Jesher was no ordinary child when he was born – he was much smaller than most babies, at just about 5 pounds. He was tiny but the cutest of all my kids. I mean all my kids were adorable when they were born (any father would said that even when others saw some “monster faces” I think) but Jesh - father’s loving way of calling him - was so fun to hold and cuddle – though with tremendous care and precision.

We had to check him back to Adventist at least twice during the 1^st month after his birth, due to jaundice. It was heart-breaking to see this little baby (literally little) being placed in an incubator with UV lights. Several times a day I would drive to the hospital delivering mummy’s love to him – mum’s milk where there is no price tag!

My wife had no confinement lady nor a confinement home to stay in. My firstborn was taken care of by my sister, the second one had my mother coming over the stay with us (though I was the “confinement lady” and the cooking came from a wonderful church member in Nibong Tebal). But this little one got a dear sister Lillian Ramesh to come over to bathe the baby while I did all the cooking for my wife and two kids. Maybe that’s where I honed my culinary skills – if there were even any to begin with!

Can I just rewind a little to give a proper perspective on why we had to do everything ourselves? You see, we were pastoring the church in Nibong Tebal for about three years when we were asked to come back to Penang to take over as the Worship Pastor in the Main church. We came back when Joyce was about 18 months. In Nibong Tebal my rental for a landed, semi-detached corner house with lots of fruitful mango trees was only RM180 per month. I was living very comfortably there but when I came back to Penang our small apartment of 800 sq. ft. cost us RM600 per month. What a world of difference – I could rent 3 units in Nibong Tebal for that same amount in Penang. By the way, my salary remained the same! I paid RM9 for Judson’s pre-school in Nibong Tebal and guess what – it cost RM65 in Penang. So I had to really, really budget when the 3^rd one came along!

I am not complaining, just saying......