LESSONS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

A Short Car Trip with Friends

I had a wonderful two-day trip to KL and Cameron Highlands with friends. We went to a Christian bookstore and spend a few hours there, meet an old friend for dinner, and stayed in the Mission House for the night. The next day we traveled to Cameron Highland for a night doing nothing but just to chill. What a trip!

The first day was fun – Ah Beng and I ended up on a buying spree. The dinner was not too bad and meeting with my friend in KL was refreshing. At the Mission House we met a Brazilian family who speaks excellent English so we all ended up fellowship for over three hours – into the wee hours of the morning. We did talk about many things but the central topic was none other than food – especially the food in Penang. Penang folks are forever prideful of their food island paradise (maybe it is over rated now!).

The following day we left for Cameron Highland. The most memorable thing that we did was drinking tea. I think I have never drank so much tea in my life in one day. But I must admit it was really good. The fellowship that we had was wonderful but also dynamic and volatile at times. Suffice to say that (sounding like Chong Leang) in the midst of such fellowship I had come to learn many wonderful lessons about myself and what I am capable of. Some of the discovery of myself came through the eyes of both my friends who were with me and their willingness (or unwillingness) to say it in my face! I appreciate it very much.

So what was it?

Well, I learned that I am not as friendly as I thought I am all this while. I can be snobbish, insensitive, and unintentionally ignore people whom I considers as friends. Wow – that hurts but I can’t deny the fact that I did frequently space-out and enter into a “fantasy-world” of my own. I discovered that I do interrupt a lot (whether intentionally or unintentionally) in any given conversation making the whole exercise dynamic but volatile! I do look unfriendly at times and somehow my anger and displeasure shows in my face. Again this hurts because I thought I was the most understanding guy around, the most friendly and approachable pastor on the face of the earth. How wrong I was! Ha-ha.

Well, the trip had taught me not to take friendship for granted and not to take relationship lightly but to be other-centered or rather to be Jesus-centered. But all well that ends well – we did have a great time – visiting hot water spring, watching Raja Brooke butterfly, drinking tea, climbing little hills, buying potted plants, vegetables, strawberries and Cameron Valley Tea. And not to mentioned listening to Ah Beng playing piano with such gusto and vibrancy at the hotel lounge!

Authentic Friendship

I was sharing with the Young Adults in FGA-Taiping about authentic relationships; what does it mean to us to love God with everything within us and to love one another? It is easy to say to someone, hi friend, but what does friendship entails, what is its expectation, and what qualify us to truly be a friend to another?

We do not engage people for what we could get out of them, but for what we could give them of God’s life. Because we are not focused on ourselves, we are able to touch people with the deepest treasures of God’s love. And that made all the difference. True friendship or authentic relationship is NOT loving others as long as they benefit us; based on our needs, we can be warm one moment and cold the next – “mutual accommodation of self-need.” I saw a lot of selfish relationships on display in countless situations in my long years as a pastor. Most recently I saw it being displayed once again.

The irony is that we can call each other friend, brother or sister-in-Christ, buddy and other terms akin to relationship but yet we are prejudice in our friendship by categorizing our “friends” into various degree of importance, of closeness, and what not. They are either our friends or not, and if they are not then they are just acquaintances or people that we happen to work together or go to the same church with. I can’t for the life of me understand how we can even have preferences in our friendship – that’s hypocrisy and selfishness. I dislike (have unsettling feelings) when I see people choosing who to fellowship with, to go out with, and to hang out with. Maybe, I have felt left-out once too often by people who calls me their friends, especially, when I found out that I was not on A List. I wish I was not in any list at all and not considered as a friend either. Have you ever felt puzzled that sometimes some invitations come to you late and your suspicion is that they have exhausted the A List and in order to fill up the empty slot you are then invited? Honest to goodness, if I even smell such hypocrisy I would politely decline!

Bottom-line: If we even consider someone as a friend then treat them as one – like Jesus who are always focused on others. That’s authentic friendship – not what we can get out of them or those who can make us feel good and important!

A Personal Confession

Today I confessed to my fellow workers that I don't have someone that I can confide in, to share honestly my feelings, and my pent up frustration and questions about anything and everything. I felt lonely - a loneliness that engulf me even long before my wife passes on. Maybe I became so afraid of being betrayed, of being laughed at, or just being who I am. Sometimes I feel elated when there's praise comment, when there's a word of "affirmation" BUT still come away feeling that it's all just hot-air. I tried harder, tried better but still I know deep within me that I am just playacting!

I don't know whether you'll understand me but this gnawing feeling eats at me once in a while. I am terrified of leadership task, terrified of failure, terrified of not being good enough father, a good enough pastor, and what not. Sometime it is only when we are at our wit's end that we clearly see the horizon of hope found only in Christ our Lord!

PSALM 61:1-2 -Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Help me Lord!

When is Enough Enough

Sometimes I wonder when enough is enough. Like parenting, pastoring, working, making money, relationship, caring, loving and etc., etc. I spoke on authentic relationships (the art of one anothering - other-centeredness) and I am tested to the limit. When is enough enough! Loving can be tiring. Caring is certainly tiring though love conquers all. Relationships is sometimes hard to maintain on a high level of sanity because it comes with pain, hurts, misunderstanding, slighted-ness, endless sensitivity, happiness, fulfillment, security, significance, identity, acceptance, and the list goes on. We need a little of "positive insanity" to get by - live and let live BUT in Christ and not riotously, frivolously, and carelessly! We need a little "sublime ignorance" in the art of authentic friendship and relationship. By that I mean our friendship should not be put to such minute scrutiny as to interpret every action, move or word of a friend we are connected with - always giving a benefit of a doubt.