MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

PART 01 – ENCOUNTER WITH THE LORD

I once heard a preacher said when teaching on the guidance of God that “…there are many milestones of obedience but very few cross-roads of decisions.” After these many years of walking with Jesus (40 years to be exact), I have discovered that there were only a few occasions that demanded critical decisions but there were many milestones of obedience that God required of me. My relationship with God has not always been smooth. There were many times of falling flat on my face, many times that I battle with the reality of God in my life, and the guilt of not being able to meet up to the supposed “standard” set by God about spirituality and holiness.

There were perhaps some very significant times in my journey of faith that I would like to put on record. My teenager years were really turbulent. I came from a Christian family whose Christian roots goes way back to China under the ministry of John Sung and Watchman Nee. I practically grew up in a Christian home but my faith was merely an adoptive faith. I was able to parrot all of the bible stories, the gospel message and sing all the hymns, but I hardly knew God. Well into my teenager years, I began to rebel, to find excuses to stay away from church and I was spending more time with ungodly people. My education was plummeting and my grades were failing real bad. By the time I finished secondary school I had picked up many bad habits and was on my way out of the church.

I thank God that the story didn't end there. I actually went for a youth camp that year due to the pestering of my mother whom I love dearly. It was at that camp that I encountered God for the first time. All the years before, I had a head-knowledge or a working understanding of God, Jesus, and the church, but I had no personal relationship with Him. I was truly lost in and to the world, but at that camp I met God in a real and tangible way. I found myself weeping uncontrollably for a long time. After that I felt good, I felt renewed. I had never understood God in such a way. It was not dramatic like seeing a vision or what-not, but there was a definite sense of the presence of a transcendent God that was so near me. I have continued to treasure that sense of the presence of God even until now.

At that point in time, I believe that I met God for the first time and I experienced the reality of the love of God and His Word began to make a lot of sense to me. Two days later I stood up to give my life completely to serve Him. My life made a complete and radical change since then. I have never had any regrets since and I am still grateful to the Lord for counting me worthy to be part of His work in the vineyard!

PART 02 – TRANSFORMATION THROUGH A LIFE-ALTERING VISION

One of the things that I do to keep this experience alive in me is to constantly rehearse it with myself, share it with my children, and speak often to people about His goodness. As I relate this spiritual experience of transformation in my life it seems like only yesterday when it happened. I must admit that since then I do experience many ups and downs in my relationship with God, but the vision of this transformational experience in my life always manages to get me back on track with Him again. The second major transformation in my spiritual journey was at the time I was at a cross-road of a very big decision. I knew I have given my life completely to Him. I was very happy serving God in everything in the local church I grew up in; arranging chairs, distributing hymnals, song-leading, music, Bible study, and attending camps. I loved God, I studied the Bible and I read a lot of books, but there came a time when I felt a stirring in my heart to stop working and go to be trained in a discipleship school. I struggled with that for a couple of years because the church I was a part of was a renewed, Spirit-filled, Brethren church that didn't believe in Bible school. Everything was in-house and personal-study-and-discipline.

I remember it was one afternoon that I saw a vision of God. I must put it on record that I am not one of those who live on dreams and visions, though I come from a Pentecostal-charismatic church. I am not into a lot of “goose-bump spirituality” and I am known as a fairly rational person in my thinking. But this was one of few visions that I knew was not out of my vain imagination. I stood affixed and saw myself standing at the edge of a cliff and seeing people walking aimlessly and blind right over the cliff. I heard the Lord spoke to me that there are many blind and confused people dying every day unless I do something to stop it. The Lord reminded me that every time I heard the sound of a Chinese funeral one soul goes into eternal damnation!

Since then I have never allowed anything to distract me from the presence of God. I have always guarded jealously the presence of God because I knew from then on that if I don’t maintain the presence of God in my life, everything that I do would be out of my flesh and would be worthless. Over the years I have come to know Him even more. I have come to know His heart, His expectation for me, and I know very clearly whenever I moved away from Him. It is really hard to explain but I just know it when God speaks, when He wants me to step aside from everything and just listen. Of course, I must admit that there were times when I knew He wanted me to lay some things down but I kind of pushed it aside. God is a loving Father. I have always known that deep within me.

PART 03 – RECONCILIATION WITH MY EARTHLY FATHER

The third experience that I would like to record was God’s dealing with a part of me that was buried deep within for years. In my growing years, my father was never around. He spent his time working and I hardly saw him except on Fridays and even then, he was usually drunk. I grew up with a seething hatred for my father. Even after my transformational experience with Jesus and a powerful vision I was never healed from my hatred for my father. I was able to cover it deep within my psyche.

Three years after I came back from Bible School, my father was diagnosed with cancer. It was at one of those times in God’s presence that He brought to my mind my earthly father. I felt overwhelmed with God’s presence and He spoke gently to me about dealing with the hate that is still residing in my heart. Immediately, I felt the love of God even though I was not worthy of receiving it. It was a case of Jesus making it possible for me to receive the love of God and to love Him back. With that, I was determined to forgive my father and to work out reconciliation with him. I took action by taking care of my father when he was going through operation and recovery. I had a restored relationship with my dad. I saw him come back to the Lord; loving Jesus and reading his bible regularly. It was refreshing. I will always cherish such an experience.

By the time I got married in 1985 I was able not only to engage with my father in conversation but I was able to put my arms around him and embraced him. I remembered the wonderful times of playing Chinese chess with him, learning to paint, and hearing him sing and telling stories of his younger days. I had wonderful memories of him staying in my house and loving my kids and pampering them.

PART 04 - I QUIT BUT GOD PROVIDED

1987 was indeed an eventful year of my life. Maybe, in hindsight, one of the biggest mistakes in my life was to walk out of full-time ministry in the church. I was so confident that the Lord wanted me to do that, but eventually found out that I had disobeyed Him and had entered into a spiritual wilderness of my own doing. However, I can praise God because even in such a situation I did experience the grace of God in my life. Three months after I resigned I found my wife pregnant with our first child. Of course I was very happy. We had already decided to start a family. So that year was eventful for only one reason perhaps – I had no money to give good medical attention to my precious wife. Pastor Albert and his wife were so kind to rent us a room in their home and also to provide dinner for us. On top of that they gave us RM150 for the baby. My wife and I had decided to have the child delivered in our General Hospital so as not to incur too much money. We were contented. By then I had already realized that I was too impulsive in making the decision to quit the church though that’s another story and I will leave it for some other time. Suffice to say, I had learned my lesson and I was happy to be back on track. Still I had to live with the consequences of my decision.

God did some wonderful things in our lives. One day Pastor Chong Leang came into the office and shared with me that the Lord wanted me to send my wife to the best maternity clinic there was and He would meet all my needs. I was skeptical at first but later felt that I needed to take this step of faith so I sent my wife to Specialist Maternity Centre in Seberang Prai. To our surprise, the doctor recognized that I was in ministry and told my wife that he would give us fifty percent discount for the delivery. We were elated! On top of that, she received free consultation for her monthly check-ups and we only had to pay a minimal sum for the medicine. To cut the long story short, the rest of the amount was paid by a sister in the church that I only casually know! Praise the Lord! I have never ceased to be amazed by the goodness of the Lord all these years.

I also need to register here that there were times where we were really down to our last penny. Yet at those times we would just look to the Lord to see us through. We cut back on everything that we could do without. We only lived with the barest minimum but we managed to survive through those turbulent years. In my 29 years of marriage and the raising of three beautiful children, we never had the money to go for holidays as a family other than to Langkawi – and even that was due to the fact that I was scheduled to speak in our church there. Yes, “…in whatsoever state I am therewith to be contented,” has been my life verse. Indeed, it is the Word of God that is so real in my life and family.

PART 05 - Running ahead like a horse

This particular incident epitomize the whole notion of my bend on defying those in authority over me during my youthful days. This happened way back into the late seventies just after I came back to Penang from Tung Ling Bible School, Singapore, and still in the old church –

This was perhaps the most unpleasant incident in my life that really got me into big trouble. All hell broke loose in my little church when I wrote a very sensitive and ‘offensive’ article in our Youth Outreach Report. The text of my article was taken from Psalm 32:9 – “Do not be like the horse or like the mule which has no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you.” Let me try to recapitulate - getting into my brain and trying to recall what I had written.

But before I go into it, allow me to just state a few things. Don’t try to be a smart-alec like me – young but foolish! Whenever we intend to speak - or in my case, to write – do it properly and with due respect and sensitivity. I was sincere but foolhardy at the same time. Criticism is not without a repercussion! Over the years I have learned to hold my horses. It is wise to say little and listen much. No one would think you are stupid. But when we speak too fast and too soon, we play the fool. My article caused me to be reprimanded in front of the church. I was made to apologize for my insensitivity and my lack of respect for the older ‘saints’. I had to ask myself whether it was worth it all. It was not the content of my message that was offensive but the way I wrote it. The message is just as relevant today as it was over thirty years ago. This time round I am older and on the other end of the stick.

I started my article (I guess, wrongly) saying that there were two types of people that bothered me a lot: one who was like a horse and the other like a donkey! I went on to describe the “horse” - liken them to young people – impatient and impulsive, those that needed to be restraint with bit and bridle. It is still true today that young people have a tendency of running ahead of God and end up either making wrong decisions, running in circles, or run roughshod over other people. Young people more often than not needed to be restrained so that they would not run helter-skelter with lots of energy but no direction. Young people need the wisdom of the older folks.

On the flip side (that’s where I got into trouble) we have the “donkeys” in the church (supposedly older folks) that are too stubborn to move on for God. They had a tendency of sitting their way to heaven. I went on to mention about people sitting in the same old place in the church week in and week out and wearing out the seat in the process. They were unwilling to move, unwilling to change for the better even as the world moves on. I was really very vocal and graphic too. I guess I went overboard likening the “donkey” to the older people in the church. What I was unaware of at that time was that the church had lots of older folks and they took offense to my writing and was angered by my comments.

While I don’t think my satire was wrong, my underlining meaning was too much for them to chew. I was indeed sorry for that unfortunate event. Today, more than thirty years later, I found myself in the same category as those I describe but I pray I would not be too stubborn to move on with God. I pray I would stay young and continue to flow with God’s Spirit who charts new courses ahead of me.

In conclusion, please do not be like a “horse”, that runs ahead of God, nor be like a “donkey” and stay glued to the seat and unwilling to move when God says go!

PART 06 – A PRIDE SO HUGE

Somewhere in 1987 God put me through one of the toughest tests of my life. I was into our second year of my marriage and both my wife and I were serving full-time in the church. Prior to that, I had never let God fully deal with this particular area of my life – the failure to respect authority. I found it very difficult to respect those in authority over me. In hindsight, I must say that I had a pride so huge that I ccouldn'tsee that I could be wrong in anything. I had thought that since I was there at the beginning of the church and was with those who came out to form this new one, and I had been to Bible School and was faithfully serving God, then I should be considered for a place in leadership. I was deeply hurt when I was bypassed and that some of the deacons appointed were ‘novices’ in the church– in my opinion. I felt my ego was tremendously bruised. Secretly, I harbored a feeling of bitterness. I felt betrayed and that all the years of giving my life and time were not appreciated.

Ironically, when one is hurt, the tendency is to find the opportunity to quit, to call it a day or to move on. The thought that I had then was that if I quit and move on to some other vineyard then the church would miss me and feel the loss. How weird were those thoughts. Anyway, I was looking for the opportune time to call it quits. Many times I would bug my wife to let me quit full-time and to do something else. Each time I asked her she would say no and that she felt I would be outside the will of God if I did (thank God for a wife like that!).

Some months later there was an incident that happened in the office that really made me blow my top. I was so angry over the incident that I wanted to resign twenty-four hours. That night I spoke to my wife and she graciously said yes to me. She only requested that I do it properly, that I should not quit in twenty-four hours but to put in a proper resignation letter and make an appointment with the elder of the church to explain my decision. ‘Wow,’ I thought ‘…that must be God!’ Finally I got what I wanted, so I wrote the resignation letter and gave it to the church. I even had tea with the Elder. Everything went smoothly. My resignation was accepted. I was going to be an itinerant preacher and teacher of the Word – whatever that is! I had no idea what I would do after resigning but I felt good at that time. My wife continued to work as a secretary in the church.

PART 07 – OFFER TO PASTOR A DIFFERENT VINEYARD

Soon after I stopped working for the church I had an offer from a small church that was desperately searching for a pastor. I was elated. The offer was lucrative – the pay was three times more than what the church paid me, I would be staying in a parsonage, and would be driving a church vehicle. It was like a dream come true. Retrospectively, I was thankful to God for some good sense that prevailed in that afternoon meeting with the leader of the other church where we decided that we should set a three-month trial period. I was to get involved in the church regularly and to feel the pulse of the church and to discern the will of God before agreeing to anything.

I found much acceptance in the church; I preached on Sundays, taught a bible study series in a cell group, and had so much fun during those three months. I was ready to take up the new role. I was ready to leave my church and move on somewhere else. I was very sure of what I was doing. I was getting my wife to be ready to quit her job in the church and to join me in the new church. My wife was also carrying my first child. It sounded great with great security and a great future. However, the attractive thing about the offer was not the remuneration or the acceptance from the congregation, but the fact that I was asked to be the presiding elder of the church. Back in my own church I was not even recognized as a leader at all – I was merely a church worker even though I was with the church since its inception.

PART 08 – GOD SPOKE LOUD AND CLEAR

One evening I was travelling home on my bike, passing through the Vale of Tempe, when all of a sudden I heard God spoke to me. It was not audible but certainly I recognized the voice of God speaking to me from within my spirit. It was about a week before I had to make the final decision on whether I would accept the offer or not. The voice of God was so distinct. He spoke and said to me, “Son, if you take up this job, that’s the beginning of the end of your ministry!” I was shaken and I asked the Lord why and He graciously said that He had not finished with me yet in the church I was in. I was to remain no matter what! It was clear that I had issues that I needed to deal with and pride that I needed to work out before God could take me any further.

Immediately upon reaching home I called the key leader of the church and told him what the Lord had spoken to me. I told him that I was sorry that I was not meant to take up the role of a pastor there. Guess what? He was not surprised at all because God had already told him that he should not leave the church and hand the pastoral job to me. On his side, God was not finished with him yet in his church. I was glad everything worked out well in the end.

PART 09 – WALKING THROUGH THE VALLEY

Over the next few weeks, I was pondering over the whole event and I learned that I was running away from what God wanted to do in my life. I remembered years earlier, when I was in Bible School, a prophetic word over me was that God would raise me up to be a teacher of the Word, but before I could see the effect of God’s Word upon the lives of the people it will have to affect me first. It is like a two-edged sword - both sides of the sword are sharp. What I would use to cut into people’s lives would have to cut into my life first.

One other thing that God was changing in me was my stinking pride. It had to be put to death. I had to give up the idea that I was good enough to lead the church. I had always coveted a leadership position but through this experience I had to confess my sin of pride. I thought God wanted to promote me to be an elder/senior pastor but it was more of God testing me. I had to lay it down because I knew I was not ready to take up a leadership role. It was a very humbling experience, something that I would never want to go through, ever again. I decided to remain back in church but by now I was jobless, my wife was pregnant, and we had to rent a room from Pastor Albert. My troubles did not end here. I had to walk through this valley for the next couple of years. I came to work in the church as a volunteer worker, so for slightly more than a year I worked without pay. At that time my wife continued to work as a secretary in the church. I can’t imagine how we went through it all with so little money. It’s the grace of God and the goodwill of Pastor Albert and his wife, Meng Eng.

PART 10 - HEAVEN WAS LIKE BRASS

In June 1988, I took my family to Langkawi to pastor the work there. Again, I failed in one sense of the word. It was there that I found much loneliness in ministry, and heaven was like brass. I had to spend three months praying for God to say something to me. According to my wife, she enjoyed her time in Langkawi. For her, God fulfilled every one of her dreams. Only after we came back to Penang - defeated, lost, and jobless - that I came to know from my wife that she was not willing for me to quit my job in the first place. I was adamant and the Lord told her in one of her prayer times that she should let me go and let Him deal with me. Thanks for telling me now – that was my response to her. Well, I must say she suffered together with me through the years of my disobedience, but in her own way God fulfilled her dreams. It was another three more months of testing before I finally came back into the church as a church worker which, if you think about it, was a demotion because I was the first pastor in the church before my wilderness experience.

PART 11 – FEASTING BEFORE MY “ENEMIES”

Let me just backtracked a little and share the vision I saw in my time in Langkawi after three months of knocking on heaven’s door -

For three months, heaven was like brass - a completely impenetrable iron gate stood between God’s voice and I. It was like I was walking through the “…valley of the shadow of death…” Twenty-nine years ago, this remote island was really remote. There were no traffic lights and there was only one tarred road. No family and friends from outside the island were able to communicate with me because there was no phone line. The only way was for me to call them and the nearest public phone was seven kilometers away. I had no means of transportation too.

If there was any time in my life that I needed the Lord the most, it would have been my time there. Thank God that I did have some members of the congregation that I could fellowship with; that was great. But deep within me I was struggling spiritually. I was desperate for God to speak to me; I was desperate to know what was happening. I spent three months locked in one of the bedrooms (that I had converted into an office) from nine in the morning to twelve noon. I prayed. I read the bible. I fell asleep. For three long months heaven was like brass. The heaven was really silent. God was not speaking. It was a desperate situation.

To cut the long story short, after three months of desperate cries to the Lord, He finally spoke. I heard Him clearly instructing me to open the bible and read Psalm 23. I was like – “…What?” I thought to myself that I have known the text since I was a child. What’s the purpose of reading the psalm? But the Lord instructed me to open to it and to read it out loud. Reluctantly, I opened my bible and began reading it aloud. As I was reading the Word of God, all of a sudden, every word made sense. Metaphorically speaking, the truth of God’s Word jumped out of the Bible and penetrated into my heart. When I came to Verse 6: “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows”, I was suddenly caught up in a vision. I saw my family sitting on a long banqueting table with Jesus having a feast. But the banqueting table was spread out in an open field – a pasture more like it – with a fence surrounding the field. Behind the fence I saw multitudes of demons trying to get in. The fence was keeping them at bay. But at the table Jesus lovingly looked at me and asked for my hand. When I reached out my hand to him He took out a signet ring and placed it into my finger and then proclaimed that He had given me all authority in heaven and on earth.

I was elated. I was overjoyed. That day was the beginning of my new journey of faith with God up till today. I have never forgotten what the Lord had done for me then. All these years, I saw the anointing of God come upon me whenever I had to exercise the authority of God over a situation. Yes, that encounter with the Lord totally transformed me in my life, my family, and my ministry.