#02 – Tales of the Big Three - THE PAIN & JOY OF PARENTING

We enjoyed raising our children. I am sure all of you young parents out there can testify to that – it can be tough, tiring, and painful but nevertheless there remains a joy that cannot be explained and an experience you will not trade for money or possession. To us, our children are not only a gift of God but more than that - they bring completeness and wholeness to our relationship, they bring out the best and the worst in us, and they bring us closer to God in more ways than we can ever imagine.

Each one of our kids has a unique, one-of-a-kind character (I thank God for unique individuality in each of them) but whether we like it or not, on many occasions they do mirror-image us – to the point of our embarrassment at ourselves. We would not admit it but in all honesty we know that they were just “monkey see monkey do” that’s all!

I remember vividly that there was this time when I was exasperated with Joyce for doing something silly. Unfortunately I couldn’t remember what it was only just remember what I said to her. I said, “Joyce, where do you park your brain?” What I meant was that she was not thinking when she did the silly thing! I l left it at that. Some days or weeks later I heard Joyce screaming at his younger brother and then exclaimed, “Jesher, where do you park your brain?” Talk about imitation! So parents, we need to be careful what we say and what we do as those little pairs of eyes are always watching us!

There are lots of memories that I can relate to you about parenting – both the “ah-ha” moments as well as mistakes that we had made. I am not a perfect Father, in fact, I fall quite far short of it on many occasions, but they have since become life’s lessons edged permanently in my mind and hopefully can be of help to others willing to learn from my short-comings.

Let the journey begins......

PART 02-1 – LANGKAWI IN THE EIGHTIES

One of the earliest memories of parenting was the time we went to Langkawi to pastor a little work there. It’s been 26 long years when my eldest son was only 4 months old. We were excited to go there as there was a ministry opening for me and besides that we had to move out of Albert’s place because they were moving in to their new home. But little did we know that it was really so backward – we arrived on the island which had only one road and no traffic lights, the nearest public telephone booth was about 5 Kilometre away, and no public transport except some taxis.

That evening when we first arrived at our new home which was also the church I was horrified because the lights went off and there was no hot water, the bed was not even fixed yet, and the place was in a mess! Just imagine with me – the kitchen was so cluttered with chairs, tables and what not! Now what do you do with a wife and four months-old baby? Looking back, I was just thinking how we did it? But the best part of our 9 months stay in Langkawi was the laid-back lifestyle of the islanders.

 But we really had so much uninterrupted time caring for Judson. I had the privileged of spending so much time with him – taking him on my bike to visit church families, the market, and the beach. That was 1988. The air was fresh and clean. We were transported back in time to the sixties. When we wanted vegetables I would go to the farm for the produce and when we wanted to buy fish we would go to the nearby beach at the right time waiting for the fishermen to come back with their catch. When we craved for chicken we had to buy a live one and slaughter it ourselves. I couldn't do that so I paid extra 50 cents for it. Finally, when we really, really wanted to have pork we would have to wait for someone to sneak it in from Kuala Perlis when she came back after visiting her hometown.

That’s life in Langkawi – that’s also our journey in parenting. I believe that my bonding with Jud came early during our time there. We had so much fun together – in his formative year. We left Langkawi back for the Island of Penang when Jud was 13 months after celebrating his first birthday there!

PART 02-2 – IS IT TRUE ABOUT THE “TERRIBLE” TWO?

We had our fair share of headache, anxiety and stress trying our best to keep our two years old in a leash and under control – from Judson to Joyce and finally Jesher! Each one of them gave us different challenges – it’s not one size fits all type of parenting. They were so different that we had to parent them differently.

My eldest one had no problem sitting quietly and have his meals since he was a baby so we had it easy even when he was two. But what we had to deal with was his behaviour in Sunday School! Every other week I would receive a complaint from the teacher that he had pulled a girl’s hair. I really couldn’t imagine him doing that but he sure did it. I had to apply the rod on his seat of learning (buttock) for a few months before he finally wised up.

My daughter, on the other hand could not sit still at all – she had to run all over the place during mealtime. Her Mom wouldn’t allow that so she did get a lot of spanking from her Mom for that. Her father, I must admit, was too soft on her because she’s a girl. I had never used a cane on her except only lightly hit her on her bottom with the palm of my hand! But there was this one time when she was really unmanageable during a dinner out with friends at a restaurant. She was so noisy and was getting on my nerves. I hold her down firmly and whispered to her. After that she calmed down and was in her good behaviour for the rest of the evening. Some people at the table was amazed with what happened and a little curious to know what I said to her. They assumed that I must have bribed her with something that she could not resist. Well, I whispered to her that if she did not stop her nonsense she would get the most painful spanking on her bottom till she could not sit when we reached home. That does the trick I guess! She was in her good behaviour after that!

Jesher, my youngest son was so quiet that you could missed him even when he’s just next to you. He doesn’t make a lot of noise and would constantly go missing. His favourite past-time at age 2 was to go walking like a spaced-out “zombie” oblivious to everything and everyone around him! He went missing in the mall once and almost took the heart out of us or the expression - “our hearts was about to drop out!” Fortunately, minutes later and searching furiously all over the place we heard a familiar fainting cry calling for us. It was undoubtedly him because we recognized his voice. You know, I ran and scooped him up into my arms and embraced him real tight. I could be angry and mad but I didn’t. I was just so grateful to have him back in my arms! At the time when the Church was meeting in the old Majestic Theatre Jesher was a handful. He was little, no doubt, but loves to go missing in the big sanctuary. Almost every Sunday – after service – he would go missing and usually it took us at least 15 minutes to find him. And guess where we would find him many times? Yes, he would be sitting quietly behind a door – not a squeaky sound. Up till today (he’s coming to 21 now) he’s still squeakily quiet even when we call him. It’s just him – finding it hard to answer when his father calls him.

PART 02-3 – ABSOLUTELY IGNORANT PARENTS

Perhaps one of the most interesting things about parenting is that we can be clueless about our children’s behaviour. More often than not we wear a blinker or have a blind side when it comes to our children – we think they are angels. It’s always the other kids that are influencing ours to do wrong things. How wrong can that be in many occasions!

One day when Judson came back from school the bus driver told me that he was fighting in the bus and he told me that he started it. Apparently he threw some kind of paint on the other boy. Judson told me he didn’t do it and certainly didn’t start the fight. Guess what? I choose to believe him rather than the bus driver thinking that he couldn’t have been able to notice it – the other guy’s words against my son, that’s all. I thought he was such a well-behaved boy at home he couldn’t do such thing in school or on the bus. It took us close to three years down the road to discover that he was not so innocent after all. He was quite a prankster in the school too. The cat was let out of the bag when his fellow schoolmate came to the youth. Go ask Sarah Khoo. We (his parents) were duped!

Joyce was not so much a trouble-maker in school. The things that puzzled us most was the frequency of headache, stomach-ache, and not feeling well. Her dad had to ritually go to the school and signed her out and take her home. Sometimes I wanted to stop believing her and kind of sense that she’s faking it but what if I am wrong – so I just go along with it. Sometimes I was in the midst of a meeting and had to excuse myself and went to the school to get her. Well, this goes on until she’s in Upper Six – can you believe that? The other inconvenience that I frequently got from her was the numerous times she forgot her books, badges, or homework that she needed to hand to the teacher. The frustrating thing was the fact that after dropping her just before the school bell rang - usually rushing like a mad man - and to reach home to hear her Mom telling me Joyce called; she had forgotten to bring something to school!

When it comes to Jesher, being such a small sized boy, the school bag was heavier than him. We had to get him a school bag with a handle and a roller but the dilemma was that his class was on the second floor. Sometimes I wonder whether the school principal did any thinking – putting standard one kids on the top floor of the school. It makes no sense at all. Anyway I was always worried for him but the strange thing was that he seems to be fine. I had no clue as to how he managed every day climbing up the stairs and down with such a heavy bag so one day I intentionally came to school early to observe how he did it. To my surprise he had such great ingenuity up his sleeves. When the bell rang every kid was rushing to get down the stairs – pushing and haggling away. I was waiting for him but he was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, after everyone had come down from the stairs, I looked up and saw this little boy pulling his bag to the edge of the stairs and throwing it down. He did that several times in order to reach the ground floor. My, oh my, now I realized why he was always the last one out – you’re right, to avoid the human traffic. And think how effortless it is to just throw the bag down. I discovered the reason why his bag spoiled so often – a new bag before the year was over!

SECTION #03 – The Tale of the Big Three

PART 03 - PARENTING TEENAGERS

Parenting teenagers? That’s a tough one – full of challenges, loud bangs, raised voices, and tears from all the hurts, the misunderstandings and the gossips in the school, all rolled into one. I am tempted to write about the aches and pains of raising teenagers, especially boys. There comes a time when the boys grew up and will think they are smarter, much cooler than their Mom and Dad, Suddenly we have become dinosaurs!

Suffice for me to say this – let them be; continue to be their parents and hear them out, and the day will come when they will be running back to you for help. “Dad, can you fetch me? Dad, I need some money. Mom, can you cook supper for me?” Suddenly they will realize that they do need us. Parenting is for a lifetime, I assure you! “Dad, I had an accident. Dad, my assignment is too tough.” Dad this and Dad that! Mom this and Mom that! I think that’s all folks …. Going any further would be treading on dangerous water!