#02 – Tales of the Big Three - THE PAIN & JOY OF PARENTING

We enjoyed raising our children. I am sure all of you young parents out there can testify to that – it can be tough, tiring, and painful but nevertheless there remains a joy that cannot be explained and an experience you will not trade for money or possession. To us, our children are not only a gift of God but more than that - they bring completeness and wholeness to our relationship, they bring out the best and the worst in us, and they bring us closer to God in more ways than we can ever imagine.

Each one of our kids has a unique, one-of-a-kind character (I thank God for unique individuality in each of them) but whether we like it or not, on many occasions they do mirror-image us – to the point of our embarrassment at ourselves. We would not admit it but in all honesty we know that they were just “monkey see monkey do” that’s all!

I remember vividly that there was this time when I was exasperated with Joyce for doing something silly. Unfortunately I couldn’t remember what it was only just remember what I said to her. I said, “Joyce, where do you park your brain?” What I meant was that she was not thinking when she did the silly thing! I l left it at that. Some days or weeks later I heard Joyce screaming at his younger brother and then exclaimed, “Jesher, where do you park your brain?” Talk about imitation! So parents, we need to be careful what we say and what we do as those little pairs of eyes are always watching us!

There are lots of memories that I can relate to you about parenting – both the “ah-ha” moments as well as mistakes that we had made. I am not a perfect Father, in fact, I fall quite far short of it on many occasions, but they have since become life’s lessons edged permanently in my mind and hopefully can be of help to others willing to learn from my short-comings.

Let the journey begins......

PART 02-1 – LANGKAWI IN THE EIGHTIES

One of the earliest memories of parenting was the time we went to Langkawi to pastor a little work there. It’s been 26 long years when my eldest son was only 4 months old. We were excited to go there as there was a ministry opening for me and besides that we had to move out of Albert’s place because they were moving in to their new home. But little did we know that it was really so backward – we arrived on the island which had only one road and no traffic lights, the nearest public telephone booth was about 5 Kilometre away, and no public transport except some taxis.

That evening when we first arrived at our new home which was also the church I was horrified because the lights went off and there was no hot water, the bed was not even fixed yet, and the place was in a mess! Just imagine with me – the kitchen was so cluttered with chairs, tables and what not! Now what do you do with a wife and four months-old baby? Looking back, I was just thinking how we did it? But the best part of our 9 months stay in Langkawi was the laid-back lifestyle of the islanders.

 But we really had so much uninterrupted time caring for Judson. I had the privileged of spending so much time with him – taking him on my bike to visit church families, the market, and the beach. That was 1988. The air was fresh and clean. We were transported back in time to the sixties. When we wanted vegetables I would go to the farm for the produce and when we wanted to buy fish we would go to the nearby beach at the right time waiting for the fishermen to come back with their catch. When we craved for chicken we had to buy a live one and slaughter it ourselves. I couldn't do that so I paid extra 50 cents for it. Finally, when we really, really wanted to have pork we would have to wait for someone to sneak it in from Kuala Perlis when she came back after visiting her hometown.

That’s life in Langkawi – that’s also our journey in parenting. I believe that my bonding with Jud came early during our time there. We had so much fun together – in his formative year. We left Langkawi back for the Island of Penang when Jud was 13 months after celebrating his first birthday there!

PART 02-2 – IS IT TRUE ABOUT THE “TERRIBLE” TWO?

We had our fair share of headache, anxiety and stress trying our best to keep our two years old in a leash and under control – from Judson to Joyce and finally Jesher! Each one of them gave us different challenges – it’s not one size fits all type of parenting. They were so different that we had to parent them differently.

My eldest one had no problem sitting quietly and have his meals since he was a baby so we had it easy even when he was two. But what we had to deal with was his behaviour in Sunday School! Every other week I would receive a complaint from the teacher that he had pulled a girl’s hair. I really couldn’t imagine him doing that but he sure did it. I had to apply the rod on his seat of learning (buttock) for a few months before he finally wised up.

My daughter, on the other hand could not sit still at all – she had to run all over the place during mealtime. Her Mom wouldn’t allow that so she did get a lot of spanking from her Mom for that. Her father, I must admit, was too soft on her because she’s a girl. I had never used a cane on her except only lightly hit her on her bottom with the palm of my hand! But there was this one time when she was really unmanageable during a dinner out with friends at a restaurant. She was so noisy and was getting on my nerves. I hold her down firmly and whispered to her. After that she calmed down and was in her good behaviour for the rest of the evening. Some people at the table was amazed with what happened and a little curious to know what I said to her. They assumed that I must have bribed her with something that she could not resist. Well, I whispered to her that if she did not stop her nonsense she would get the most painful spanking on her bottom till she could not sit when we reached home. That does the trick I guess! She was in her good behaviour after that!

Jesher, my youngest son was so quiet that you could missed him even when he’s just next to you. He doesn’t make a lot of noise and would constantly go missing. His favourite past-time at age 2 was to go walking like a spaced-out “zombie” oblivious to everything and everyone around him! He went missing in the mall once and almost took the heart out of us or the expression - “our hearts was about to drop out!” Fortunately, minutes later and searching furiously all over the place we heard a familiar fainting cry calling for us. It was undoubtedly him because we recognized his voice. You know, I ran and scooped him up into my arms and embraced him real tight. I could be angry and mad but I didn’t. I was just so grateful to have him back in my arms! At the time when the Church was meeting in the old Majestic Theatre Jesher was a handful. He was little, no doubt, but loves to go missing in the big sanctuary. Almost every Sunday – after service – he would go missing and usually it took us at least 15 minutes to find him. And guess where we would find him many times? Yes, he would be sitting quietly behind a door – not a squeaky sound. Up till today (he’s coming to 21 now) he’s still squeakily quiet even when we call him. It’s just him – finding it hard to answer when his father calls him.

PART 02-3 – ABSOLUTELY IGNORANT PARENTS

Perhaps one of the most interesting things about parenting is that we can be clueless about our children’s behaviour. More often than not we wear a blinker or have a blind side when it comes to our children – we think they are angels. It’s always the other kids that are influencing ours to do wrong things. How wrong can that be in many occasions!

One day when Judson came back from school the bus driver told me that he was fighting in the bus and he told me that he started it. Apparently he threw some kind of paint on the other boy. Judson told me he didn’t do it and certainly didn’t start the fight. Guess what? I choose to believe him rather than the bus driver thinking that he couldn’t have been able to notice it – the other guy’s words against my son, that’s all. I thought he was such a well-behaved boy at home he couldn’t do such thing in school or on the bus. It took us close to three years down the road to discover that he was not so innocent after all. He was quite a prankster in the school too. The cat was let out of the bag when his fellow schoolmate came to the youth. Go ask Sarah Khoo. We (his parents) were duped!

Joyce was not so much a trouble-maker in school. The things that puzzled us most was the frequency of headache, stomach-ache, and not feeling well. Her dad had to ritually go to the school and signed her out and take her home. Sometimes I wanted to stop believing her and kind of sense that she’s faking it but what if I am wrong – so I just go along with it. Sometimes I was in the midst of a meeting and had to excuse myself and went to the school to get her. Well, this goes on until she’s in Upper Six – can you believe that? The other inconvenience that I frequently got from her was the numerous times she forgot her books, badges, or homework that she needed to hand to the teacher. The frustrating thing was the fact that after dropping her just before the school bell rang - usually rushing like a mad man - and to reach home to hear her Mom telling me Joyce called; she had forgotten to bring something to school!

When it comes to Jesher, being such a small sized boy, the school bag was heavier than him. We had to get him a school bag with a handle and a roller but the dilemma was that his class was on the second floor. Sometimes I wonder whether the school principal did any thinking – putting standard one kids on the top floor of the school. It makes no sense at all. Anyway I was always worried for him but the strange thing was that he seems to be fine. I had no clue as to how he managed every day climbing up the stairs and down with such a heavy bag so one day I intentionally came to school early to observe how he did it. To my surprise he had such great ingenuity up his sleeves. When the bell rang every kid was rushing to get down the stairs – pushing and haggling away. I was waiting for him but he was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, after everyone had come down from the stairs, I looked up and saw this little boy pulling his bag to the edge of the stairs and throwing it down. He did that several times in order to reach the ground floor. My, oh my, now I realized why he was always the last one out – you’re right, to avoid the human traffic. And think how effortless it is to just throw the bag down. I discovered the reason why his bag spoiled so often – a new bag before the year was over!

SECTION #03 – The Tale of the Big Three

PART 03 - PARENTING TEENAGERS

Parenting teenagers? That’s a tough one – full of challenges, loud bangs, raised voices, and tears from all the hurts, the misunderstandings and the gossips in the school, all rolled into one. I am tempted to write about the aches and pains of raising teenagers, especially boys. There comes a time when the boys grew up and will think they are smarter, much cooler than their Mom and Dad, Suddenly we have become dinosaurs!

Suffice for me to say this – let them be; continue to be their parents and hear them out, and the day will come when they will be running back to you for help. “Dad, can you fetch me? Dad, I need some money. Mom, can you cook supper for me?” Suddenly they will realize that they do need us. Parenting is for a lifetime, I assure you! “Dad, I had an accident. Dad, my assignment is too tough.” Dad this and Dad that! Mom this and Mom that! I think that’s all folks …. Going any further would be treading on dangerous water!

#01 – The Tale of the Big Three - THE ADVENTURE OF A FATHER

One of the great lessons of married life is learning to adjust according to the changes in different seasons of your life. For us, the time of great adjustments would be these: becoming parents for the first time, parenting school-going kids, and managing our teenage children. These are the big three. It’s like the second wave is bigger than the first – and the third is tsunami!

Let me tell you my story –

Well into the second year of our marriage, we planned to start a family. When my wife missed her menses, she kind of sensed that this is it – she may be pregnant! Both of us came from a very fruitful family (my parents have seven kids and her parents have eight) and we certainly did not need to try very hard! See, when she went for her pregnancy test, she was told that she’s about 6 weeks into the pregnancy – the strange thing was that up ‘til then she had no morning sickness, but after seeing the doctor she immediately developed evening sickness! That’s weird and I think it’s psychosomatic! And I saw that in a lot of pregnant women. Even though they were pregnant they didn't experience morning sickness until they were told that they were pregnant! And you certainly read it right – she had evening sickness – the nausea only came in the evening. And her craving? Chicken chop, Ox-Tail Soup and plenty of "soya" bean drinks!

Fatherhood changed me forever! But in reality, fatherhood changes everything for the guys – either they grow closer to their spouse or they grow apart slowly. As for me, I changed for the better. My wife told me that when I became a father, I changed to be a better husband and a better man. Wow – a compliment from her is worth a thousand possessions!

Our nine months journey together into parenthood has lots of stories for me to tell.

PART 01-1 - A GIFT FROM THE LORD

We came back from the clinic with some mixed feelings – I was happy to know that I am going to be a father, but at the same time scared about the weight of a stack of responsibilities. What if we cannot take care of the child? I mean, we were going to be a first-time parents!

One evening my wife pulled me aside and told me something that jolted me a little. She told me that one day she was worshiping God alone in the room when she felt the presence of God and the Lord told her that in a year’s time He will give her a son and she shall call him ‘praise’. She remembered that she had written it down on her journal (she made it a habit to write everything down in her diary since before our marriage) so she quickly took out her journal and searched for the entry. To her amazement, she saw that the date on her journal was exactly one year ago from the date of her conception (as calculated by the doctor). She was thrilled but yet doubtful. I was thrilled and I simply took it that God had spoken.

For the rest of her pregnancy I kept believing that God has provided us with a son and we will call him praise. Since the biblical name Judah (meaning praise to God) didn't sound quite right to us – because we were scared that in the latter years his friends might tease him by calling him Judas the betrayer – I decided to name him after the famous Christian author Judson Cornwall who wrote numerous books on praise and worship.

True enough God gave us a son and we named him Judson. Later I found out that his name means son of praise – “Jud” means praise in Hebrews and “son” is the English word “son”.

PART 01-2 - BABY BLUES

I remember the morning when my wife went into labor; we were staying in the place known as the Australian Village – the semi-detached houses next to Kolej Tunku Abdul Rahman – and because I didn't own a car I had to borrow my brother’s car (he lived on the opposite side of the road). I think I practically woke up the whole neighborhood when I called for my brother. It was about 7.30 in the morning.

I remember rushing her to Specialist Maternity Center in Chai Leng Park, Seberang Prai – excited, anxious, and dazed all at the same time. Half-way through the journey she said that she’s hungry so I had to stop in the Hawker Center in Green Lane, run to the stall to get her dumplings, and literally run back to the car. She ate it all. So all the rushing and running, for this first-time father-to-be, was really exhausting. Finally we reached there and after checking her the nurse said that it won’t be very soon and asked me to relax. Guess what? The boy ONLY arrived into this world at 7.30 pm – that’s close to 12 hours long.

My wife “swore” she would not have another child because it’s so painful and also would not relate her “ordeal” to any young women at all so as not to scare them. Well she didn't keep that promise – we went on to have two more kids and she happily told people about the ordeal and the wonderful feelings after that.

After checking out of the hospital we headed for my sister’s house in the South of the Island. She took care of my wife and our baby during the confinement. The arrangement: my sister took care of the baby during the day and we took care of him ourselves at night. What happened that really shook me was during the first week of confinement. One evening my wife suddenly went depressed; she just cried and told me she wanted to go home. She was so desperate to go home without the baby – I mean, asking to just leave everything and craving to get in her own bed. I didn't know what to do at first. My sister was so understanding – she took care of the baby and asked me to take her home. I took her home and left the baby there with my sister. That night she slept like a baby and the following day she woke up happy and told me she misses her baby and wanted to go back. That’s odd! But later I found out, through reading, that she was experiencing baby blues! Thank God it’s only for one day!

PART 01-3 – ELIZABETH BECAME JOYCE

When my eldest son was 2-plus Mum had forgotten about the pain of child-birth and was longing for a kid brother or sister for Judson. I couldn't agree more because it was no secret that I wanted a daughter. It’s almost like a demand for the Lord to give us a girl this time round. Of course, at the back of our minds, this was but a wish-list. Again we plan for a second baby and true to our genes, we were both very fruitful – because it didn't take us very long. In fact it was so soon, we were caught off guard – she became pregnant during our packing up to move to the mainland!

What happened was the morning after we moved to our new home in the Mainland, she came out of the bathroom and informed me that she’s bleeding. She told me that it is different from the normal menstruation so we suspected that she might be pregnant and that it’s not a good sign. So I rushed her to see Dr. Pauline in Chai Leng Park. It was about 8 in the morning. To cut a long story short the doctor told me that the good news was I am going to be a father again but the bad news was that the bleeding could be a sign of a threatened abortion. One of the reason could be the heavy lifting and work we did while packing stuff for our move to a new home. Dr Pauline, being a very fine Christian and a prayer warrior, prayed for her and felt that the child would be fine but would need the father’s prayer every day.

This was a very difficult pregnancy for my wife. She had to be in bed a number of times due to the bleeding and each time would mean at least a week long! She was only 4 weeks into the pregnancy when we went to see the doctor. Into her 2^nd month something strange yet wonderful happened – I was singing in my sleep to my wife. The next morning she asked me why I sang so loud to her in the middle of the night. I was blur because I didn't know what she was talking about. Then we both realized that I was singing in my sleep. I asked her what was I singing about and she said that I was singing from a scripture in Isaiah 12:3 – “Therefore with joy shall you draw water out of the wells of salvation.”

I harbored a strong wish in my heart that this child would be a girl (and I really couldn't care less about a boy’s name) but I had the name Elizabeth edged in my mind for this child of mine. After the “singing-in-the-sleep” episode I was even more convinced that this child will be a girl and I will call her Joyce. True enough God granted me a daughter and her name is Joyce. She’s a bundle of joy.

I will share more in the next episode –

PART 01-4 – MORE THAN A BUNDLE

During the remaining months of her pregnancy she had to be rushed to the hospital once for a false labor episode and several times confined to her bed for a week. The child was special but demanding I think. I remembered clearly the words of Dr. Pauline so I prayed for her every night. Like this particular time that she experienced pain (which turned out to be a false alarm), I traced back and realized that I had stopped praying for the baby for some days. Well, from then on, I started to pray faithfully for the child without fail until the baby was born – many times past 1 in the morning. You see, I had to travel frequently back to Penang Island for meetings and sometimes I only reached home after 1 in the morning.

On the 8^th month of her pregnancy she had a massive asthmatic attack and she was breathing very heavily and panting away. I was at the prayer meeting and she didn't think it necessary to call me. When I reached home she was sitting on the sofa panting away trying to catch her breath. I wanted to take her to see Dr. Khoo who operated a clinic in Nibong Tebal (pronounce as “Knee-Te-Bung Tebal” according to Judson who was 3 years old) but she insisted that it’s okay. And her reason was that she was afraid that the medication would affect her baby. I had to almost forcefully get her to go with me to the clinic. Praise God we were in time – but what a scare!

So when the day finally came, she was more than ready for the new kid to come into the world. I was just as excited as when we had our first child. I was trying to rush her to get ready so that we could get to Specialist Maternity Centre in Bukit Mertajam (about 35 KM away) but she was as cool as a cucumber! She just sat on the edge of her bed and took out a book that she had been reading for the whole duration of her pregnancy – a book on praying every day for the unborn child with the Scriptures. Just imagine with me – she sat there and read through every scripture listed there for the entire 9 months. Yeah – it took her close to 30 minutes to read all the Scriptures and I was pacing up and down the floor waiting for her.

Again, I thought the baby would arrived the moment we reached the maternity clinic but I was wrong! We arrived at about 10 pm but she only came out at 1.15 in the morning – just over 3 hours. She was praying for a short labor and 3 hours is pretty good but the pain was still excruciating. Let me side-track a little: I waited outside the delivery room and the nurse said she’ll call me when the delivery is near so that I can hold my wife’s hand and watch my daughter come into the world. I guess I had not enough patience, and being bored with waiting, I decided to go and get a cup of coffee. The minute I left the clinic for the nearby “mamak” stall for a cup of coffee, she decided to come out – probably just as impatient as me!

You want to know why she was yelling away and the nurses had to calm her down? Well, this new-born baby was not like her brother, slow and steady – she arrived faster but she was a 9-pounder (Jud was only 7 ½ lbs)! No wonder her mum screamed her head off when she came into the world!

PART 01-5 – PARENTS FOR A THIRD TIME – A BONUS INDEED!

We were part of the rare couples who had three kids because most of the others stopped at two! Usually the first two was planned but the third one was an “accident” – whatever that means. I think the correct theology of pregnancy would be this: we may make plans about procreation but really it is God who gives life and every child that is born to us (whether we planned for it or “accidentally conceived him/her”) is a gift from the Lord. There is no accident in God’s creation. Our third child did not come as a surprise to us, and neither did we “plan” for it, but certainly he was conceived out of love, intimacy and passion! So it makes no difference whatsoever!

By this time she was more than experienced at being a mother so there’s really not much of a hassle. In fact, our third baby had the best medical care at Adventist Hospital. I was with her throughout the whole duration – waiting for the doctor, getting stuff for the baby, and our two kids were really happy in anticipation for a new brother to be added in the home. My mother was a little skeptical – she was worried about our ability to financially cope with having a third child. Well, we have lived with little for such a long time that we were no longer bothered about it. By the way, God has never failed us yet!

My wife told me that this time round she would not tolerate with the pain anymore so when she went into labor she was literally given “laughing gas” to ease her pain – she used up 1 ½ tanks of it! Well, according to her, the pain was more bearable but she still screamed! I know because this time I was beside her and she was holding on to my hands tightly. I thought my bones would be crushed! Dr. Zoe was there delivering the baby and it was a privilege to be able to finally muster up the courage to watch the whole process. I was told some fathers fainted watching their wives give birth. Oh – I loved every minute of it. When the baby came out, the doctor make a remark to my wife: “Oh – it’s a boy. Shall I see you the next time – a baby girl then?” I quickly retorted: “No, no more! Close shop.”

PART 01-6 – CUTE AND SMALL

Jesher was no ordinary child when he was born – he was much smaller than most babies, at just about 5 pounds. He was tiny but the cutest of all my kids. I mean all my kids were adorable when they were born (any father would said that even when others saw some “monster faces” I think) but Jesh - father’s loving way of calling him - was so fun to hold and cuddle – though with tremendous care and precision.

We had to check him back to Adventist at least twice during the 1^st month after his birth, due to jaundice. It was heart-breaking to see this little baby (literally little) being placed in an incubator with UV lights. Several times a day I would drive to the hospital delivering mummy’s love to him – mum’s milk where there is no price tag!

My wife had no confinement lady nor a confinement home to stay in. My firstborn was taken care of by my sister, the second one had my mother coming over the stay with us (though I was the “confinement lady” and the cooking came from a wonderful church member in Nibong Tebal). But this little one got a dear sister Lillian Ramesh to come over to bathe the baby while I did all the cooking for my wife and two kids. Maybe that’s where I honed my culinary skills – if there were even any to begin with!

Can I just rewind a little to give a proper perspective on why we had to do everything ourselves? You see, we were pastoring the church in Nibong Tebal for about three years when we were asked to come back to Penang to take over as the Worship Pastor in the Main church. We came back when Joyce was about 18 months. In Nibong Tebal my rental for a landed, semi-detached corner house with lots of fruitful mango trees was only RM180 per month. I was living very comfortably there but when I came back to Penang our small apartment of 800 sq. ft. cost us RM600 per month. What a world of difference – I could rent 3 units in Nibong Tebal for that same amount in Penang. By the way, my salary remained the same! I paid RM9 for Judson’s pre-school in Nibong Tebal and guess what – it cost RM65 in Penang. So I had to really, really budget when the 3^rd one came along!

I am not complaining, just saying......

STORIES OF MY EARLY MARRIED LIFE IN SPRINGTIDE

A NEW BEGINNING

In between tears, she was sorely disappointed that she did not have a perfect wedding day that she had prayed so hard for – all because of the rain. She was very upset with God that night. I had married a perfectionist – everything must be perfect. Ask some of the Sunday school teachers who knew her well and they will tell you that she would rehearse her lessons many times over. At home I noticed she would practice her lesson in front of an empty audience. That’s how serious she was! So when the once-in-a-lifetime perfect wedding was ruined by the rain, she was really devastated. I kid you not – she was very depressed that night. So how did I handled such a crisis?

Honestly, for a moment I froze not knowing what to do. I tried to comfort her, put my arms around her, and let her cry her heart out. I am no counselor but I did it because I don’t know what else to do. That’s not what I envisaged a romantic wedding night should be! Anyway, after all her crying she began to calm down, and I began to talk to her. I did not know where I got the idea or the thoughts but I began to talk of all the good things that happened in the preparation of our wedding. I told her that there are also wonderful memories of the wedding that we can think of –more than enough money to pay off our expenses, beautiful flower arrangements at such a low price, wonderful dance presentations, and family and friends who braved the rain to make sure they got to our wedding reception. There were more things to thank God for than to be angry about the rain that happened that day. I told her that people were happy to be there at our wedding and we were surrounded by family and friends who loved us and cared for us.

Well, all wells that ends well! We went to sleep in each other’s arms. End of story!

The next morning we woke up to a bright new beginning – Monday! The late Pastor Martin Kumar came with the church van to pick us up for breakfast and then to our little love nest. I remember giving him some money to help him in his plan to attend YWAM School of Discipleship from the extra that we had (after setting aside all that we needed for settling our wedding expenses). That’s the beginning of the man’s journey into ministry and we were proud to be a part of it. He went on to be a wonderful pastor for the most part of his life until the Lord called him home months before my wife was taken home.

SNAKES, STAIRCASES, AND BOGGLE

There were so many memories made during our stay in the 12 Rooms Mansion called Springtide Hotel. They were actually called Shanghai-style bedrooms – where all the bathrooms were downstairs. Let me try to explain: the upstairs has 6 bedrooms and when you enter each of the rooms, you have the sleeping area like any hotel; the only difference was that the attached bathroom was within the room, but downstairs. You actually have to go down a flight of stairs to the bathroom.

You can asked all those who had stayed or used those rooms to verify and they will tell you that the stairs down to the bathroom were steep, and if you missed your step, you will certainly be going down many steps on your buttocks accompanied with screams. And because the rooms were not sound proof you can actually hear the sound of someone going down the steps of the staircase of the bathroom on their buttocks! I had many experiences and so did Ean Beng, Mee Thiew, Thean Khee, and Chong Leang; even the YWAMers who stayed here on their outreach had similar experiences. There was always lots of laughter when we hear those familiar sounds.

The Hotel was not exactly very livable and it was actually a wooden structure. Since it was near the beach and the unoccupied surrounding land was filled with overgrown weeds, it became a breeding ground for snakes. One of the memories was the number of snakes that appeared all over the place. One day I heard a scream from my wife as she was going down the stairs into the bathroom to bathe. I rushed over to see what happened, and to my horror, I saw a snake hanging on the door knob of the bathroom door. I had to get rid of the snake. Another time, a cobra suddenly came out of a covered drain and I nearly stepped on it. I was still young then, so my reflexes were very quick – I literally jumped over it. I quickly turned back and saw it staring at me waiting to pounce. I took a stick and a large stone and then did the necessary – killing it!

There were many nights where friends would gathered in our 12 Rooms Mansion for a game of Boggle. Those were wonderful memories; lots of laughter, silly banter, board games and the best of all, the incredible sound of the waves crashing on the beach. By the way, the office I worked in was downstairs, occupying the former lounge and front office of the Hotel. And because I worked alone, many times I just walked to my office – without my shirt – to work. Fancy that! But those were only the initial years, because after that the office got busier with Albert, Cheng Kin, Ean Beng, and others joining the staff. And by then, my wife and I had moved out of the Mansion.

When my wife talked about the memories of this place, she would tell of the many mornings of walking along the beach to pray. She would spend the early hours of the morning walking along the beach. It was incredibly beautiful and wonderfully breezy in the morning. She would also spend time sitting under the tree facing the sea and do her morning devotion. There was serenity all around, yes; in quietness and confidence, shall be our strength! But for me, I never found it that easy to do. But I did enjoy my time living there – I used to go swimming in the sea after work with Thean Khee and Mee Thiew. They were not married then!

FLATULENT LEAKAGE

This is probably the most embarrassing story that I would relate thus far. It has to do with the time when the wife of my youth kicked me out of the room. You see, I come from the infamy of the Lim Family whose bellies were constantly filled with wind – probably due to our eating lifestyle. Farting in the Lim Family was as natural as brushing our teeth after a good meal. My uncles and father, brothers and cousins all fart regularly and consistently with a high decibel sound at that. But for most of the time it’s just sound and nothing else so everybody carries on with their business as usual. So I carried on this wonderful tradition – to my own harm!

Lo and behold, I got married and I brought the Lim culture along with me into my marriage. It was harmless really, or so I thought, so I kind of let it just be as natural as possible when I introduced her to my world! Oh, what an innocent mistake!

Well, one night I must have eaten some hard boiled eggs and cabbage so when my stomach started stirring and – like what Kamala used to say: stomach don’t agree – I felt I needed to let go of that gust of wind trapped within me. To my horror there was no sound, but I could feel a warm gust of wind being released. Within seconds my wife got up from the bed and kicked me out of the room. I remember Andy and Chong Leang came out of their room on hearing the commotion. They burst out laughing so loud that their stomach hurt. I was laughing away uncontrollably. Oh, what an embarrassment!

NOTE: I don’t know how true it is but it has been said that the kind of stuff you eat produces different kinds of smell in your flatulent release (your fart la). So take for example, hard-boiled and cabbage makes the worse combination – it actually smells like it!

As far as she was concerned, I filled the room with the stench of a dead rat! I think I did a repeat of the Auschwitz gas chamber! Looking back I can laugh and even tell the tales to my children and friends but that night was no joke to her.

Did I ever have any recurrence of a flatulent leakage that could kill a cow? Well it’s for me to know and for you to find out!

LOCKED OUT OF THE ROOM

This is a good story, but can also be a great lesson for you guys who are about to get married. I had some good friends long before my marriage and we used to hang out almost every night. We were tight – I mean our friendship. In fact, one of the reasons we became such close buddies was that we all had issues in our relationships with our girlfriends. We used to talk about it and even laughed over it as well. That’s just some men’s “letting off steam” time. We met very often and usually only after we tucked our girlfriends to bed (metaphorically). What I mean is that we all did all our boyfriend-ly duties – fetched them home from work, have dinner together, and stay around to chit-chat for a while. Usually, by about ten at night, our girlfriends would either go to sleep or wanted to be left alone to do their own thing so the guys would gather in my house for the guy stuff – supper, jokes, and talking about our girlfriends. This usually would go way past midnight into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes my friends stayed over at my house for the night and would leave in the morning just in time to go home, bath and get to the office to work.

In June 1985, I moved out of my old house and went to live in the 12 Rooms Mansion (taking care of the Hotel for the church actually). Andy and Chong Leang came and joined me a couple of months later. I had my own room which eventually became my little love nest with the wife of my youth but my two buddies shared a room together – probably too scared to live in a room of their own! We carried on with our little escapades – meeting after 10 pm for supper and fellowship into the wee hours of the morning. This carried on almost every night.

Months later I got married and brought my bride into this big Mansion, but still I would ritually go out with my buddies for supper into the wee hours of the mornings. Even up till today we are still buddies – seeing our children growing up and one after the other getting married, and pretty soon we will be talking about our grandchildren.

One fateful night, as usual, I left my wife alone and went out with my buddies for supper and we lost our sense of time. Soon it was way past two in the morning so we headed back to our Mansion – Chong Leang, Andy and myself. My buddies got into their room but I was locked out. I called and called out incessantly to my wife to open the door and I was met with silence. I knew I was in trouble. She locked me out. I pleaded and pleaded and there was no answer. I thought maybe she was fast asleep so I knocked even louder but I was met with silence. My buddies came out to see what happened. I told them my predicament and it became obvious that I would have to sleep in my buddies’ room for the night. But just before I decided to give up knocking on the door, suddenly the door was unlocked. Slowly, I tip-toed in and there she was, fuming mad at me.

I had the cheek to ask her what happened – of which she replied rather angrily, with the most profound question of the century: Did you marry me or did you marry your friends? If you are married to them, please take the pillow and go to them.

The moral of the story: take advice from the bible – leave and cleave. I forgot I was joined to her through the marriage vow and we have become one flesh. Just like I should leave my birth home and form a new nest with her, I should learn to prioritize my life with regard to my relationship with her, my parents, and my friends – with her coming out first at the top of the list.

LEFT BEHIND

About one year into my marriage Chong Leang got married followed by Andy and then Thean Khee – all just months apart. I remember I was part of a little music band playing at their weddings. It was at Andy’s wedding that an unusual thing happened. You see, we had to carry all the instruments to the Restaurant so that we can set it up and play at the wedding luncheon. We were using the same music instruments for the wedding reception at the church and now we have to dismantle the drums and every other instruments, amplifiers, and wires; packed them into the little van to transport them to the Restaurant. We only had very little time to do all that because we needed time to set them all up at the Restaurant and do some sound check before the Bride and Groom’s arrival.

Well, I was in a hurry so I packed all the stuff into the van and I just drove off to the Restaurant. It was only half way through that I realised that I had left my wife behind in the church. She was actually standing there waiting for me to finish all the packing but before she could get onto the front seat I drove off. I quickly make a u-turned and came back for her. Guess what? Yes, she was fuming mad at me. Guess what? Yes, silent treatment!

Moral of the story: stay focused man, stay focused and don’t ever forget her in the midst of your busyness!

You know that I could go on and on to relate the many wonderful and meaningful events and incidents about our lives together but like Chong Leang who loves the say: suffice for me at this point - every other stories were either too intimate to tell or too embarrassing to relate.

That’s all folks.

THE LAST CHAPTER OF MY MARRIAGE (HOW I MET MY WIFE)

PART 01: THE LAST CHAPTER OF MY MARRIAGE

Two weeks from now (14 December) would have been my 29 years of marriage to the wife of my youth had it not ended with her demise four months ago. I am still grieving for my lost. Some nights kept me awake because I was thinking about her. No, I wouldn't say it was sleepless nights but just being kept awake long enough to feel her presence where memories of her came rushing back. I am one who would holds back the tears in public but certainly not when I am alone. I shed tears of pain, of joy, and of the good memories of my wife.

I still remember vividly the first time I met her it was at my birthday party in my old house next to Methodist Boys School. I remembered this particular girl, a plain Jane, wearing a T-shirt and an orange jeans. She was one of the youth in our Christian youth group. I must say that I did notice her but I was definitely not interested in her at all because my heart was pursuing some other girl! How true it had been said that sometimes what was really good could just be in front of us and yet we missed it altogether because our focus was somewhere else!

The next time that I took notice of her was when she was appointed the Editor of our Youth Outreach Report Newsletter. I was the youth leader then. I remembered her predecessor had to leave the Island for further studies so she was asked to take over. That was 35 years ago. I was a prolific reader by then but also a keen contributor to the youth newsletter. In fact I wrote quite a few articles and the most famous one got me into real trouble due to my uncouth and unrefined language (that’s the estimation coming from the older generation who accused me of name-calling them “donkeys”!) but that’s another story to tell some other time.

PART 02: THE LAST CHAPTER OF MY MARRIAGE continued

But what really sparks off my pursuit of her were a series of events that started off when the church typewriter she used for the newsletter broke down. Up till now I have no answer as to why she thought that I could solved the problem of the broken typewriter. But like a good gentleman I agreed to take a look. Honestly I am a hopeless guy to consult with regarding such matters. Anyway I went to her house and behold I solved the problem. I actually got the typewriter working again.

Sometime later she appeared at my house wanting to talk to me about helping a guy who was having a problem. She was telling me that he shared with her his problem but she being a girl finds it hard to help him.Therefore she requested me to counsel him. I told her that I would try my best. I was and still am not very comfortable in a one-on-one with people but I promised her that I will look into it. After all I was the youth chairman! But the unanswered question is this: why did she had to cycle all the way to my house just to tell me about this brother that needed help? She could tell me during the Saturday night youth service or at the Sunday service. So the question remains:why cycle all the way to my house?

PART 03: THE LAST CHAPTER OF MY MARRIAGE continued

So out of the blue (really not my style) I took an extra helmet, hopped onto my bike and rode to her house. I went in and asked her to come with me to visit this “needy” brother. Was that a date? Was that asking her out? You tell me, I don’t know! All I knew was that she said yes and off we went to see the brother. I cannot remember much of what transpired that night but I certainly felt so good. That good feeling was not about fetching a girl because I had been fetching many other girls to youth meetings, bible study classes, and suppers. But this time I felt good – really good. Well, one thing led to another thing and before long I was fetching her regularly to bible classes straight from her night classes and also visitation on my old faithful bike! She was encouraging me, really, by saying yes all the time. I am not kidding you. (For those “oldies” who used the bike to fetch their girlfriends would know what I am talking about when I said that it felt good fetching them especially when they have to hold on to you tightly! Oops...is that even lawful?) That went on for many months but we were very discreet. During the good old days we can’t be so bold unless it is “official”. One of the unwritten laws in the church was this: the boys should always be three feet apart from the girls!

After many months of visiting her at her home every Sunday afternoon on the pretext of doing bible study with her cousins, fetching her to my bible class every Friday, and taking her out to Gurney Drive for some “fellowship” time that I finally mustered up the courage to take her to a special dinner at the famous Tip-top Restaurant (one of the very few Coffee House selling Western food). I remember ordering Ox Tail Soup for her and there I told her how I feel about her. I told her that I love her and thank God she responded positively. She was so shy she just nodded her head in approval indicating that she loves me too. Well, that’s my interpretation of her head gestures.

PART 04: INTO RELATIONSHIP

So in 1980 we began our serious relationship. But she made it very clear to me that she will not let me take her to church. She was a very proper girl. That’s what I like about her – no nonsense. In church we were not to sit together because she believed that when we go to church we go to worship God and should not be distracted with each other. After all we were seeing each almost every day during the week.

I would love to say “and we had our relationship happily ever after!” but it would be just a fairy tale, isn’t it? One of the reasons why I was attracted to her was her honesty, simplicity, and spirituality. She simply saw in me a man who has a call of God on his life. She took the risk to start a serious relationship with a man with acall and a passion for the Lord. I did a three months stunt in Bible School in Singapore before I met her. I guess she fell in love not only with the “handsome dude” but also the man with a cause and a call. Did she know that it will not be an easy road ahead? Did she know that life would be one big sacrifice? I think she knew full well when she took the plunge.

Really, six months into the relationship she began to see my true colour – I was not as spiritual as she thought I was. I used to say that when she first met me she saw a halo on my head but months later and two feet firmly plunged into the relationship she saw horns growing between my halo and spotting a tail behind me (It’s meant to be a joke so please pause and laugh – Ha Ha). Seriously I was such a disappointment to her. I cannot even count how many times I made her cry. I was a very insecure guy and I lashed out at her whenever she tried to correct me or suggest to me things I don’t agree or not happy to hear or discuss. I would oftentimes reduce her to tears. I was really a mean guy. I still don’t understand how she could tolerate me, could still love me, and carried on the relationship for many years to come before finally said “yes” to marry me.

PART 05: UNDER THE CHIKU TREE

In fact, at one stage of our relationship I asked her whether she trust me and her answer was NO. And I asked her whether she respects me and she said NO. So I popped the question “will you marry me?” and she said NO. I was shocked. I was speechless. I asked her why she’s still going out with me and she said, “I don’t know!” It’s impossible to explain – she doesn't trust me nor respects me because she could not trust my words. Likewise she said she would not marry me but yet when I asked her whether she still loves me she said “YES!” It makes no sense. That particular night my head was spinning out of control. Confession time – I went back that night and locked myself in the room and cried. I was not sure what was happening and I was not sure about myself. I really had to think hard about my relationship with her. I reach deep within my heart for some answers and realised that I hadn't been honest with her, hadn't been fully committed to the relationship even though I heaped words of endearment on her all the time. I was a hopeless romantic, a huggy-bear and very sanguine about everything. She, on the other hand, had been very miserly in giving her words of endearment because it’s not in her to do that unless it really meant something. She had always been transparent, simple and straight to the point. 

It took such frank response from her to shock me back to reality. I had to amend my ways. I had to earn back respect and trust from her. Boy, it took me about two years to earn back some trust and respect. So it took me, all in all, about five years of relationship before she could comfortably say “yes” to marry me. Many of those nights sitting under the “chiku” tree on her porch paid off when I learned to engage with her, be honest with her, and worked out our differences. It hadn't always been easy and I did not always come away from under the “chiku” tree with positive results. People around us always thought that under that magical tree our romance blossom but in reality, the rough edges of my character were been refined and my ego was severely dealt with. I wish I can say that she has her fault but in reality again, more often than not, it was I who had to change. She lived a much disciplined life – she works hard, she’s very frugal because money doesn't come easy for her. Every day by 9 pm she would “retire to her chamber” (go to sleep –la) and I would have to go home. So I hardly dated her out and the few times when I managed to get her to go out with me I blew it once too often!

PART 06: FAMOUS SILENT TREATMENT

I must pause here and tell you this story that is very interesting. Guys, don’t ever make the same mistake like me! This one time I took her to a small gathering of my good friends. Obviously, I was trying to impress my friends and showing off my girlfriend. But like all guys we cannot multitask so before long I got caught up in guy’s conversations with all my friends and she was conspicuously left alone. I mean I was proud to show her off to my friend but I did not as much as included her in the group. I was wondering why she was so upset with me when I took her home. She gave me the famous “silent treatment” (she just zipped up and left me pleading to the wall trying to find a clue as to what had happened to make her so cold!). It took me a while, with all the angry tone that makes the matter even worse that she finally blurted out, “Who do you think I am to you? Am I a showcase for your friends?” Wow…that’s painful!

On a side note she was only 19 when I started a serious relationship with her. But there’s one thing that I can say about myself; I remain faithful in our relationship through thick and thin. I did not bail out on her even though I was hurt when she said she could not trust me nor respects me. I did not go searching for some other girls who would bend to me. Seriously, I choose not to have roving eyes even in the midst of anger and frustration. I choose to work real hard to win her back. Well…it actually paid off. Since the day I told her that I loved her till the day she died I have never set my eyes on anyone else, not even for a moment. She was the only person that I have ever known – a friend, a wife, sometimes a mother, a confidante and definitely a wonderful mother to her children!

Another eventful event during this period of trying times of our relationship was the time I went on mission to Indonesia for a month. After a week there I grew restless, lonely and homesick. I was pinning for her. I wrote a very emotional and romantic letter to her. Those of you who knew her would know that she’s not one who of those who are expressive but in this case, she actually replied my letter (She told me later on). Unfortunately the letter was lost in transit. I never had a chance to read what she wrote. I had asked her a million times and she refused to tell me what she wrote in the letter. I could only assume and speculate that it must have contained a rare romantic kind of response from her. Anyway I can’t pester her anymore. I have to live with this “mystery” till I see her again.

PART 07: THE UNIQUE PROPOSAL

Do you want to know how we finally got married? Some of you are dying to know how I proposed to her. Right? It was in February 1985 that I left my job (working with my father and after that with my brothers) to fully follow God’s calling on my life. A month later I started working full-time with FGA Centre. I remember we were using the back of Keat Cheong’s clinic as the church office. I was doing book-keeping for the church. I was working full-time for the church but I was not formerly employed by the church. It’s a very loose arrangement.

Sometime between June and September of that year I met a missionary from Barbados working with Open Doors. He invited me to go to Barbados (as in the Caribbean Islands) to work for the organisation called Youth for Christ. For a long time I was interested in mission work, in fact, I was contemplating of going to Sarawak right after my Bible School so when this opportunity came along it got me very excited. The term of the contract was for one year and all I needed was to find my way to Barbados and over there I would be given free board and lodging and paid a salary as well. To me, that sounded like a good opportunity and I really wanted to go.

As I was checking out about the prospect of going there that I suddenly realized that I had another matter to work out before I say “yes” to the new arrangement and that is the issue of my girlfriend. I can’t possibly take her with me because we were not married and I can’t leave her here to wait for me for a year because she might not wait for me. What if I don’t come back? What if I stayed longer? Since I saw this mission work as an avenue for me to move on I decided to talk to her about this matter. I came up with a most ingenious idea. I told her that we should get married as soon as possible, quit our jobs and fly off to Barbados – the idyllic island of love and sunshine. That sounds great, isn’t it? So that was the plan and guess what? She said “yes” to my proposal! For those of you who are waiting to know how I proposed to her it is just that simple: I just asked her to marry me as soon as possible so that we can fly off to the Caribbean island of love and sunshine! Sorry fellows, no fanfare, no going down on one of my knees, and nothing spectacular but just a simple statement – let’s get married!

So on 14^th December 1985 we got married which is about three months from when I popped the “marry me” question and wonderfully thinking we will be having our honeymoon in the Caribbean Island. As it turned out and to our horror it would cost us twenty thousand ringgit to fly to Barbados using British Airways via London so we did get married but we never did go to Barbados. Out of the 29 years of marriage we had many adventures, challenges, three wonderful children, pioneered the works in Langkawi, Nibong Tebal, and Prai, involved in youth and children ministry but NO HONEYMOON! But for the first year we live in a 12 Rooms Mansion courtesy of the church – actually a run-down hotel along the beach that had stopped operating and the church had earlier turned the dance hall into the sanctuary of the church. Many wonderful memories were made there. 

PART 08: FAITHFULNESS UNMATCHED

Before I tell you the story of our time in Springtide Hotel and the roller-coaster ride of our married life in the first couple of years, I want to backtrack to share with you memories of the five years or so of our relationship before we got married.

There were a number of guys chasing after her but she chose me. All the guys that were after her were decent guys and not the “loser” type. So there must be something she saw that made her decide to go steady with me. For me, it’s purely chemistry but for her – I don’t know; maybe she saw in me a match that God had prepared for her. She did confess a little later that in one of her prayer times with a few prayer partners, she prayed for a life partner and the Lord showed me to her. That’s pretty scary, I thought. But she was serious about walking in the perfect will of God. Perhaps, all the difficulties that she had to put up with – my bruised ego, deep-seated insecurity, and silliness – and the sacrifices she had to make was because she believed in God’s will and was willing to bear the cross! I, however, didn't see it in so precise a black-and-white situation.

One of the earliest intriguing questions that she sought clarity for had been this: how do I know the call of God, and what makes me give up everything to go to Bible school? She was seriously seeking to know and to understand the call of God and that’s what draws me to her – she was inquisitive, serious, and spiritual. For a person who is the only Christian in a large family – whose members are predominantly staunch idol-worshippers and are generally suspicious of her faith – wanting to know the guidance of the Lord is imperative to her spiritual survival. I believe it was her passion and love for the Lord that drove her to want to please God and to walk in His ways fully. There was such tenacity in her faith even as a young believer.

I remember one vivid incident that actually put me to shame – since I was supposed to be a so-called matured Christian and pastor-material at that. It happened during the time where I was meeting with her parents to seek permission for her hand in marriage. Her mother, a typically superstitious Chinese woman, went to the temple to inquire regarding our marriage and the Taoist priest asked her to request 10 coins from me to put under the wedding bed and in our wardrobe. I was pretty quick to comply, simply because I was a non-confrontational guy and wanted everything to go without any possible conflict. But she stopped me in my tracks and told her mother to forget about getting us to do anything that comes from the temple. She was resilient in her decision; her mother had to relent. Such were her convictions and she had never relented or ‘kowtow-ed’ at all when it came to her walk with her Master and Saviour Jesus Christ. Actually I saw her father and mother respect her beliefs after that, and so did the grand matriarch of the Lee Family, even!  

PART 09: LOVE WRITTEN IN NASI LEMAK

Not long after we went steady, I packed my bags and headed down to Singapore to attend the Tung Ling Bible Ministry Development Course, a follow-up 5-month course from the regular short-term course I took the previous year. I was supposed to be there for 5 months but it didn't work out, so I only stayed for the two-month lecture phase; I did the 3-month practical in Penang itself. Also, I signed up for the course without the support of my local church so I had to fork out the tuition fee, food and board, and other living expenses on my own. I went ahead by faith not knowing how to come up with the fee but the Principal felt that I should attend the Course. The concession was that I could pay the school back once I secured a job. When I came back I went to work for my father in the family business but my pay was meager, so I was in debt for a while. So what’s my story? Well, she came to know about it and insisted that she help me settle the debt. It came up to be close to two thousand Ringgit.

Kissing was a taboo for unmarried couples, but that one evening, sitting under the moonlit sky at the Esplanade, I couldn't help but steal a kiss – because she had become my benefactor! Obviously, she was caught off guard, and I won the day! But what I came to discover later was the fact that the amount she gave to settle my debt was almost all of her savings. She was working as a stenographer and her pay was really little – considering that she had to give to her grandmother an allowance for staying in her house, send money home to her parents in Alor Star, Kedah, and pay for her own living expenses. I am and will always be amazed that she was able to save every month. I am also pretty sure she gave generously towards people in need. Many times I found out that she would eat a packet of nasi lemak for breakfast and one for lunch almost every day inside the office. And for her dinner she would prefer to go home and eat her grandmother’s cooking (which is quite bland – mostly soup). So for her to settle my debt was a huge sacrifice and I am forever indebted to her.

Did I steal anymore kisses after that? Well, do you know that it was one of the hottest topic of discussion during my time? What do you think my Elders would react if he found out that I kissed her that night?

PART 10: THE YOUNG MAN SEES A VISION

In order to have a proper perspective on the story of our lives together, it is pivotal to relate to you the circumstances surrounding how I made the decision to leave everything to go to Bible School in 1979 – which led to me coming back after 3 months and meeting her, getting into a serious relationship with her,leaving for Singapore again after a couple of months into the relationship, and coming back again after two months of classroom lectures with a huge debt. That’s where the story of how she became my benefactor – as related above – comes into play. Earlier I mentioned that she was very keen to know and understand about the call of God on my life and what really caused me to give up everything to serve God completely. Here it is:

Following Jesus hasn't been easy for me. What really defines the word “follow” is a living sacrifice on the altar of absolute obedience to God’s call. The call of God upon my life was marked by a series of trials and testing. I had spent many nights in tears, many nights being overwhelmed by the weight and the burdens upon my chest. I had spent many nights praying and seeking for God to lead me out of my trials, out of my despair, and out of my spiritual struggles.

One afternoon while working, I looked out the window and saw a Chinese funeral procession. It was nothing unusual BUT that particular afternoon the Lord stopped me in my tracks and asked me a series of questions:

“What did you see? Who died? What do people usually say when the dead man is a young man? What if he/she is an old man/woman with lots of people wearing black?”

Finally God asked me this question: What do you think I see? At that moment I saw a vision. I saw myself standing on the edge of a cliff and people were walking aimlessly toward the cliff – then falling over it. I looked past the edge and saw a multitude of dead bodies at the bottom. I was shocked. I was frightened. At that moment the Lord gently spoke and said to me that every time I see a Chinese funeral procession,one soul goes to hell! I cried for a long time. After that I stopped struggling with Him. I stopped fighting with Him. I answered the call of God to serve Him for the rest of my life. The first step that I took that day was to let go and let God. But little did I know that by letting God take over my life, He was going to take me through “the valley of the shadow of death,” and through the secret places – the caves where the leopards and the lions were prowling around in hunger.

Soon after I saw the vision I left my job (I was working for my father) and made preparations to go to Singapore to study in Tung Ling Bible School. That was in 1979.

PART 11: DON’T MESS WITH HER

Remember that I mentioned earlier that she’s honest, transparent and straight to the point. I think I was not so blunt and I was certainly non-confrontational. This next story was an embarrassment to me though it was certainly not to her. I remember she came with me to a small gathering in the home of a lawyer who was larger-than-life. He was a very (in)famous lawyer who had a screwed-up personal life: he was divorced,remarried to a much younger woman, and now divorced a second time. But at the time of our meeting he had apparently come to the Lord and had become active in the church. So in the midst of him sharing his testimony, he kind of was trying to justify his divorce, why he remarried, and why he divorced the second one too. Before I knew it, she shot out at the guy and declared that a sin is a sin, God hates divorce and “…you are in an adulterous relationship…” twice over. I was flabbergasted, the lawyer was red-faced, and the rest just looked away hoping the whole thing would blow over. He tried to justify again and she just ticked him off plainly. I can’t remember what happened after that; all I know was that I was pretty embarrassed.

One of the good memories of those good old days of “pak-thor-ing” (courting) was taking her to work every day (very romantic indeed) on my small Honda bike. Those motor-bike rides turned out to be the source of my many stories. I am not a morning person, and for the most part of my working life with my dad, we only came into work about 10-ish. So after going steady, one of my boyfriend-ly duties was to send her to work every day. Some days (many times I must admit) I woke up late and by the time I got to her house to pick her, she had already left by bus. But because she had waited for so long for me, she was inevitably late by the time she decided to take the bus. So many times she reached her office 15 to 20 minutes late and being one who is disciplined, she hated it. I remember calling her at her office later one morning and asking her a dumb question, “Were you late this morning?” I recalled vividly her slamming the phone down. The funny thing is that I didn't just ask her an obviously dumb question, but I laughed over the phone hoping she would take it in stride and forgive me. I was dead wrong. There it goes again – the silent treatment! So when I went later in the evening to fetch her back(making sure I was early), it was so quiet between us that I could even hear the buzzing sound of a mosquito! (I’m joking – please laugh!).

Sitting under the “chiku” tree almost every night for a number of years were wonderful times – ‘bitter-sweet’, come to think about it. We had a lot of time talking about spiritual things, the Word of God, church, and work. My working life was boring. I knew I had a call in my life and I had gone to bible school but I was unable to launch by faith into serving God full-time, because our church culture did not encourage it. So I got stuck working for my father; my serving God would be playing guitar in the church and selling music cassettes and books. So most of the time our conversation centred on her work and office, and being typical of a woman and also a perfectionist, her narrative of her day in the office was in excruciatingly painful details. I was more interested in looking at her eyeball to eyeball and she was more interested in telling me everything that happened in the office. I was interested in holding her hand, putting my arms around her and having her snuggle with me but she was more interested in telling me her woes in the office and expressing her day at work.

Seriously, that’s all there is to the romance under the magical chiku tree!

PART 12: MY WILDERNESS WANDERINGS

Okay, it’s time for me to share some of the stuff that happened at my wedding and thereafter, while living in the 12 Room Mansion called Springtide Hotel. But before that, let me rewind a little and share about how I left my job the second time and got into full-time ministry with the church.

I left working for my dad in 1979 thinking I will not be looking back anymore. I was more than wrong. You see, what happened was that when I came back from Singapore after finishing my studies, I thought I was ready to fly and take the world for Jesus. Well, I was only 20 and considered young and immature, but since the church then (not the present church) paid for my study in Tung Ling Bible School, they felt somewhat obliged to take me in. This church that I grew up in didn't believe in full-time ministry because they believed that everyone should be serving. So there was no pastor in this church. I became the first full-time church worker and guess what the job description was? Every day I was asked to go around the compound of the church – which was also the house of the Elder of the church – to look for dog poo and then to clear them away! Other times I was asked to clean the fan and stand guard looking out for strangers that might slipped into the church. The pay was meager, in fact, worse than what my father paid me! I quit after only two weeks.

So in between the time of my first trip to Singapore and the second time for the Ministry Development Course, I got involved with the Spiritual Renewal (a Ministry preceding the Full Gospel Businessmen Fellowship) that was responsible in bringing in Roy Durman the Healing Evangelist. At the same time, I helped to mend Maranatha,a Christian book shop.

In June 1980 I left for Singapore the second time and this was where I incurred the huge debt. My life was not getting anywhere, really. I was still in the relationship with the same girl, but with a lot of tension, a lot of misunderstandings, and I was more of a pain-in-the-neck than a loving boyfriend. I was still attending the same old church, still teaching bible classes every Friday night at the back of the church, still full of passion for the Lord but really, I was running around like a headless chicken. I was by then back in the family business but with an understanding with my wonderful dad that I could go out on missions if there was an opening. So in 1981 I left for Indonesia for a month and that’s where you can connect the dots to the letter that I never received from her!

After I came back from Indonesia, I went to minister in an East Coast State for a few days. Other than that I was back to square one – where I first started – working in the family business again. The days, months and years since then until October 1984 were frustrating years. I had wanted to serve the Lord but I seemed to be hitting a concrete wall and I was very frustrated. There seemed to be no way out for me. I often complained, and was deeply frustrated. Interestingly, in 1983 a bunch of youth left the old church and went on to start a new church and today it’s called FGA Centre. I was one of the youth who left the old church for the new. I began serving in the music ministry, joined the Home Fellowship led by Keat Cheong, and ran a little book corner called AVL Praise – together with my buddies,Heok Hee (my 2^nd brother), Thean Khee, and Andy Thum.

All my buddies especially Chong Leang were subjected to my complaints and often challenged me to step out and go all out for Jesus. Finally, in October 1984, I told my brothers that I will not be working in the family business anymore after February 1985 because I wanted to pursue my call. So I left in February and started working for the church in March and married the love of my life in December – all within the same year!

PART 13: OUR WEDDING DAY

Most of us know that Ean Beng was a prayerful woman and believed in prayers. So, for her weeding she really prayed hard for a wonderful once-in-a-lifetime wedding day. Everything went well for the most part of the day, until the evening when we had our wedding ceremony in the run-down dance hall in the old Springtide Hotel turned FGA Centre. Our wedding was the third that had happened in this rundown dance hall. There were many wonderful memories of our wedding day but also some unforgettable moments.

I vividly remember that up till our wedding day we were worried sick over how we could pay off our debt – the catering, the flowers, and other expenses. Praise God we had some people who came alongside us. For example, one pastor called Peter Tong did all the flower arrangements for just One Hundred and Twenty Ringgit! But still, with all the angpow received up to the wedding day, it was still very far below the expenses incurred. Honestly, we had no money in our savings account. My mother forked out a couple of thousand ringgit for my bedroom set and Ean Beng’s savings all went to the some other wedding expenses. Photograph-taking was free because of my brothers – whose professions were in photography. Most of our debt goes to the food catering for our guests. We were worried and it was very real. So when the guests arrived and started giving us angpow, we were very delighted and elated. Honestly I think I gave a lot of concentration to the monetary gifts that were coming in than the guests themselves!

Our wedding would have been perfect – until the rain decided to pour heavily, halfway through the wedding ceremony. All the tables set outside for the guests were drenched, so during the dinner reception, everyone cramped into the rundown dance hall with plates on their hands. It’s such a spoiler that most of the people could not sit down to enjoy the dinner. The other thing was that many people were held back and could not make it to the dinner reception because the rain was so heavy. For those who remember how the rundown dance hall looked like would know that when it rained, the water will seep through the cracks of the rooftop and the clogged gutters, so that we had many mini waterfalls in the hall while the service was on. This madness carried onto the dinner reception, as well.

Perhaps the most embarrassing thing happened at the exchange of rings. I had taken my ring instead of hers and placed it onto her fingers. Can you imagine it? Once I realised, I immediately pulled out the ring, turned to the congregation and exclaimed, “Sorry, wrong ring” while taking the right ring and placing it on her finger. She burst out laughing and the congregation joined in heartily. I have never witnessed (before or after) any such incident where the groom placed the wrong ring into the bride’s finger.

Do you want to know what transpired on our wedding night, after the reception? ;)

PART 14: OUR WEDDING NIGHT

Our wedding night was the most interesting. Do you want to know what transpired?The only thing foremost on our minds was to open up all the angpow and started counting! We were so relieved that we managed to have enough money to pay off our wedding expenses. We actually switched off the light and went to sleep after that; I mean, really slept like a baby! The next thing we know, it was morning and we had to quickly get ready to go downstairs to attend church because it was a Sunday morning! Yea, our wedding chamber was one of the rooms in our 12- room Mansion, next to the rundown dance hall that had been turned into God’s Sanctuary!

Day 02 (Sunday): After the service a bunch of youth took us out for quite a fanciful lunch and after that checked us in to Golden Sands Hotel for our official honeymoon – courtesy of Keat Cheong & Albert Tan! I remember Andy and Lian See took us to the hotel and even bought Chicken Chop for us for our dinner. Obviously we couldn't afford to have dinner at the restaurant in the hotel or maybe we felt it was way out of our league. After all, we were not used to staying in a hotel – it’s only for the rich! But the hotel was great, especially for someone who hadn't stayed in one before. I was thrilled to the socks, but my new bride was not. There seemed to be a “dark cloud” hanging over her and it was frustrating trying to get her to talk about it.

Later, in the evening, I took her downstairs to have a drink at the lounge hoping the live music would cheer her up. After all we were newly married and we should be entitled to some happiness, right? But no, that was not the case because she refused to talk to me, looked grumpy, and was completely not interested in all my loving embraces. I was one frustrated bridegroom, because I felt very vulnerable when I didn't know what was happening since she was giving me the silent treatment. I was wondering what I had done wrong this time round. I was trying to get her to open up and tell me where I had gone wrong, but she kept quiet for almost the whole night. Finally we went back to our room and within minutes she burst out crying.

Do you want to know why? Wait for it……