After being a Christian for so
many years I still struggled...just like Paul said: I do not do what I should
and I did what I should not have committed. It is very disconcerting when deep
within oneself there is this struggle like hell still going on. Recently, I
found myself struggling once again in an area of my life that should have been
dealt with long ago. I hated myself for falling into it. I know that it
displeases God. I don’t need spectacular or divine revelation to make me realize
that this is SIN. Yet, I walked into it even with such knowledge of wrong-doing.
I try to justify by saying that I can’t help it, that I can’t stop it, and that
I don’t have the strength to resist it. We can try to make a case for it. It makes
no difference to God.
That’s when I
realize that we can present ourselves in the best behaviour; we can talk our
way through a convincing sermonette; we can play-act perfectly with our piety.
But in our inner world we struggle like hell. In our inner being a war broke
out. In our soul there is no hiding place for our indefensible case – we are
broken, weak and far off from the mark.
Maybe you may
think that I am a pessimistic cynic. I would not argue with you on that. Maybe you
may term me as a confused wayfaring stranger. Yes, that’s true. But I am not confused.
It is my inner struggle that causes me to ponder over and over again. Maybe you
may see me as a frustrated sinner trying hard to live a true Christian life in
this sinful world. I may have to agree with you but still it is too justifying
on my part because this may give the implication that God is a tyrant and
enjoys seeing us squirm. It would nullify the grace of God. It would make God
look weak. It would be offensive to the Holy Spirit. It would have made Calvary
a wasted cause for Jesus Christ.
I think I am
just winning. I think I am moaning and groaning. I think I should just stop it –
stop this pity-party, stop sinning, stop justifying and run into the name of
the Lord. The Word of God said it – the righteous shall run into the name of
the Lord and they shall be save. Salvation comes from acknowledging our sin,
our weakness and our inability to save ourselves. That’s when we receive the
grace of God and see the brighter side of life. I know that my struggle will
continue to haunt me. I know that temptations will continue to jump at me round
the corners and everywhere. But what do I do? But what can I do?
That’s where I
am envious of people who seem to know the Heavenly Father so well. They use
terms of endearment and intimacy. I could never come to a place of using such
endearing terms like “papa” or “daddy” of my Heavenly Father if even for a
second I felt that I am not meaning it with my ongoing thoughts or with my
previous actions. Such terms of intimacy and endearment should never easily
fall from our lips unless we mean it – I mean we mean it, is backed up with our
attitude and our conduct. I still stand by what I said in one of my Facebook
post: Sometimes
I wonder when we "papa love me", "papa this and papa that" are
we actually suffering from insecurity under the guise of the grace of God or do
we really, really? I am just saying.
Please do not
interpret what I have written here as a man with an unrelenting complains and
cynicism. I am trying to look squarely at it in my own inner world – my own
struggle with sin, with insecurity, with such glaring weakness. My biggest
question is this: Father, why do you still love me for who I am after what I
have done?
Thank you Lord
for your intrinsic love manifested through your grace and mercy. In your grace
I received what I don’t deserve, that is, eternal life. In your mercy I did not
received what I do deserve, that is, eternal damnation.
Lord I
believe! Help my unbelief. Give me the strength to call you ABBA Father, Daddy
God and mean it from the bottom of my heart!
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